Loving A Widower....a blog by author Julie Donner Andersen

The Immobilizing Fear of Another Loss

2011-08-30T11:19:00.003-04:00

I often hear from GOWs who say their Ws love them but cannot commit to a relationship for one reason: they are afraid of losing the GOW to death like they did their LWs.

If it were any other man, I would say this is a classic case of commitment phobia, coupled with "cold feet". But alas, we are talking about a W (widower), and therein lies the rub: many are simply scared out of their minds to lose another person they love to a tragic death. Let me reassure you that this is a VERY common side effect of grief among widowers.

When other people (the non-widowed) experience break-ups, of course they are shattered and brokenhearted...and many adopt the ol' "once burned, twice shy" motto. They are afraid of getting hurt again by falling in love once more. They don't want to risk the pain, but in doing so, they are also closing the door of opportunity when it comes to love, and the joy that comes along with it. Some even subconsciously feel that they cannot make another move in life without a guarantee that life will not once again break their hearts.

Unfortunately, life does not come with guarantees, no matter how much easier life would be if it did! Life requires us to take chances and have faith i nour life choices. Otherwise, we lose out on sooo much happiness when we give into fear.

It is hard to trust again after one has been hurt. It is immensely difficult to love again after one loses a loved one, especially a spouse. If your W says he cannot commit because the risk of losing you outweighs the joy he has with you – joy that will no doubt grow into something more beautiful as time goes on – then ask him: How much worse would you (W) feel if you DIDN'T take a leap of faith and lost me anyway?” Now that WOULD be tragic!

It may sound simplistic, but it’s really not. Taking a leap of faith and loving again after loss takes an extreme amount of courage and a positive belief in something uncertain. This is when a GOW can reinforce what IS certain by constantly reassuring her W of her love for W and her own commitment to the future of their relationship.

Taking a leap of faith means believing is all that is good, especially the love you share. When a W feels secure in his GOW’s love, more often than not, he is more willing to let the chips fall where they may when he realizes that the alternative - living life alone, in fear, and without love - is simply no way to live at all.

When a GOW Was “The Other Woman”

2011-05-22T13:49:00.001-04:00

Recently on The Official WOW/GOW Message Board, a new member relayed how she and her W started an affair together whist his LW was dying. His reasoning was 1.) his marriage started falling apart long before his LW was diagnosed with cancer, and 2.) he had already done most of his grieving in the last days of her illness, so he was more than ready to begin a new life with GOW. GOW believed him and continued the affair up until a few months before LW passed, at which time she thought it wise to leave him alone whist he made the funeral arrangements, etc. After, they resumed their relationship. Understandably, this W experienced latent grief about one year later, and asked his GOW for a break/time/space to figure things out. Naturally, GOW was devastated, and asked why this was happening, considering how confident her W had initially seemed about moving on.

Having been a victim of spousal infidelity myself, it is difficult for me to advise, much less feel compassion for, GOWs who have been the other woman in a W/LW’s marriage. However, I know I must put on my professional’s cap and try to remain nonjudgmental as I advise this member and my blog readers in similar situations:

First of all, let’s talk about what I feel is #1 on my list of grief myths, and that is this: It is possible to “pre-grieve” the loss of a spouse.

Undoubtedly, overwhelming feelings of extreme sadness and DO occur when a spouse is terminally ill. To be told my doctors that your loved one’s life will soon end and there’s nothing more the medical profession can do, are the worst words any human being can ever hear. Depression starts creeping in, and it’s difficult to hold onto any shred of hope……difficult, but never impossible. In fact, most spouses of the terminally ill DO hang onto hope of their loved one’s recovery, no matter the odds. This is why one cannot pre-grieve. As long as there is hope, there is nothing TO grieve, as there is no loss...not of life, nor dreams. Real grief doesn’t truly begin until the flatline sounds its ominous toll….the time when hope is lost. Neither does the myth of pre-grief allow for the completion of all 5 grief stages. Simply put, there is no way the spouse of a dying wife can journey through and recover from each stage in a natural way.

A W who deludes himself into thinking most of his grief was done prior to his LW’s death is only fooling himself. Grief is like a spoiled child that does not give up its tenacious protest until a survivor finally pays it some attention. Thus, no matter how a W tries to avoid it, grief will catch up with him later in the form of latent grief. As well, although a W may surround himself with distractions (such as work, sports, vices like gambling, drinking, etc., and yes, women) from the hard work grief demands, he eventually fails when grief has its way with him. Thus, a GOW who has been her W’s “other woman” while LW was still very much alive must be prepared to deal with the fallout of her W’s latent grief. Chances are good that the guilt which naturally accompanies the normal grief journey of ANY W will be magnified in an adulterous W, and would explain his sudden withdrawal once latent grief sets in.

Secondly, I am of the belief that a bad marriage is no excuse for infidelity. It is a diversion at best. And any woman, GOW or not, who believes a man who uses this as an excuse to cheat is setting herself up for heartache. Rarely do adulterers change, and a GOW in this situation may indeed find herself on the losing end of another affair – that of her W and yet another woman. It appears obvious to me that a man who cheats not only lacks a well-defined moral code, but also lacks the courage it takes to communicate face-to-face with his spouse about his need to move on in life without her and get his needs, whatever they may be, met elsewhere.

I am at a loss as to how any woman, much less a GOW, could ever build a foundation of trust with such a man…or why she would settle for someone with such poor character traits, ethics, communication skills, and decision-making skills. Thus, I do not hold out much hope for a long-term relationship between adulterous GOWs and Ws. His latent grief/guilt, combined with her low expectations for her self and her life, are a recipe for disaster. Sooner or later, each will blame the other for past indiscretions that have led to too many present regrets and deep remorse. While they may stay together physically, each will remain emotionally unavailable to the other: the GOW, who becomes afraid to discuss her W’s grief journey for fear he will distract himself from the pain by seeking out comfort in another woman’s arms…and the W who experiences latent grief, who cannot possibly juggle his grief, guilt, and remorse with loving feelings for a GOW he may subconsciously blame for his present confusion

Breaking Down Barriers

2011-03-31T11:12:00.003-04:00

Recently, I was misquoted on a blog written by a W (my words were taken out of context to further the blog owner's agenda). I would not have even noticed, as I rarely have time to read major blogs (large readership) that interest me, nevermind minor ones (small readership), such as his, that don't.

But when a member of The Official WOW/GOW Message Board contacted me personally about her search for information about grief in order to understand her W better (not completely, just BETTER), she was flabbergasted about the abject polarization she encountered by this particular woefully misinformed, mildly arrogant, and sadly pitiful blogger. Her angst: "I know I have a lot to learn about grief, but if those who have experienced it won't offer their expertise, and the present available literature is so complicated, where else can I go to find enlightenment?"

Indeed, it is difficult to find the best of both worlds, that being firsthand knowledge which has not been corrupted by judgement aganst those who would ask..in a society that is uncomfortable discussing such a "taboo" (in its collective mind) subject.

Grief...is hard. It is an elusive emotion very few understand. And if that weren't enough, it is not just an emotion but a journey as well...one that does not come with a timetable, a blueprint, guidelines, or set of rules, making grief all the more mysterious and complicated to those of us on the outside of it...which leads to assumptions and conjecture by a judgmental society that wants nothing more than to either put a patch of platitudes on it, sweep it under the proverbial rug, or ignore it completely until it goes away (which it never does!).

Grief's fallout (its complicated misery and mystery) is considered "taboo" to discuss; thus, ignorance of it has lead to a society that just doesn't get it...and is too uncomfortable with it to bother. Worst of all, grief is perpetual: it never ends, and continuously revisits itself. It can be diminished but never eradicated; coped with and managed, but never eliminated.

Enter those of us who just want to love a man who grieves. Hard as we try to comprehend this puzzling emotional journey, we fail miserably. Society, which encourages survivors to move on, happily accepts a GOW, but under one condition: she must not attempt to understand grief and just merrily, without question, accept a "lesser" role in her W’s heart. (Indeed, ignorance abounds on both sides of this proverbial fence!)

For example: When Ws congregate in their mutual misery, such as on a website or blog for Ws, they form an exclusive "club" which they feel no “outsider” should penetrate. Exclusive, because even if we “outsiders” have experienced similar loss, no two grief journeys are the same; thus, grief is one example of life experience where personal expertise seems to matter little. When it comes to a GOW’s beloved W’s loss, we are "damned if we do, and damned if we don't" try to understand it. Within the aforementioned exclusive club are those who would minimize our role, blaming us for our insecurity as they themselves label us as "less than" the sainted LW, thus perpetuating our insecurity that we will never be "as good" as she was to our Ws.

Sadly, these kinds of clubs, while at first offering survivors a much needed open-armed hug of acceptance in a world that doesn’t understand them, are usually led by those who believe letting go – the normal and natural recovery at the end of grief’s efforts - is but a fallacy, and equates to dishonoring the dearly departed. And those GOWs who would interfere with their mission of protecting, preserving, and canonizing their lost loves are the enemy.

In such clubs, there is no room for enlightenment. Grief is selfish, and can render its victim the same; thus, few members can see the forest for the trees. To them, their loss is all that counts, to the exclusion of others. They believe their loss has made them untouchably noble martyrs, and as such, they have, in turn, closed their minds to other, perhaps loftier, possibilities and theories. Instead of utilizing their experiences as teachable examples with which they could educate society about grief and, in turn, crush the ignorance they claim is rampant, they have achieved the opposite via alienation. They have lost their ability to communicate intelligently with the outside world in a rational manner as they sit atop their thrones of nobility, casting judgment after judgment against those with good intentions whose only desires are to love, help, sympathize with, and yes, understand grief and those who deal with it.

Indeed, a GOW faces a plethora of obstacles as she journeys alongside a W who grieves. Outsiders (society) and insiders (fellow survivors) are against her from the get-go. Friends rarely understand her loving a man who also loves another, as where else in Western culture is this acceptable, except perhaps for cults in Utah? Her own W can often be non-communicative and complicated. Worst of all, a GOW herself can often be her own worst enemy as her natural and normal insecurities rear their ugly heads. There are few resources available to the GOW to help her understand not only herself, but her W and his grief, too.

Whether we have experienced it or not, it’s not rocket science for ALL of us to admit that grief is hard. But if it is, then we ALL must admit that loving someone who has experienced loss is difficult, too. GOWs face seemingly insurmountable odds, especially when the obstacle of ignorance and the breakdown of communication are so commonplace.

I believe breaking down barriers is key. In the words of Rodney King, “Can’t we all just get along?” I don’t think it’s too much to ask, especially when the benefits far outweigh the present state of dysfunction between survivors and those who love them.

Feeling Like W's Mistress?

2011-03-07T01:09:00.003-05:00

Many women tell me that they feel like they are in relationships with married men when dating a W. Recently, a member of The Official WOW/GOW Message Board (http://www.juliedonnerandersen.com) even created a short list of reasons why:

1) We spend little or no time together on the holidays. His immediate family, extended families...yes, even LW’s family...all come first.
2) His inability to plan and/or take a trip with me, even a short overnighter.
3) Friends and/or family members that treat me like “the other woman”; an outsider.
4) No card or small token gift for Valentine's Day...no W, either.
5) The LW’s and her memory – and the preservation thereof – comes before everything else.
6) I feel like I am constantly competing with LW for W’s love, but never attaining that coveted #1 spot in his heart.

Some GOWs have told me that their Ws have even gone so far as to make love with them once, feel guilty about it, and then cut off all sexual contact altogether...as if the Ws were cheating on their LWs. Talk about feeling cheap!

While NO man has the right to make you feel like his mistress on purpose, it is easy to forgive a W’s seemingly hurtful behaviour when you understand the grief process....and how it is his lack of intent that makes his mistakes forgivable.

Some of you may ask incredulously, “But how in the world can a man be so unaware of - and so blind to - such insensitivity?” Most men wouldn’t be, but Ws are exceptions. Grief, like love, can be very blind...and guilt is often in the driver’s seat, holding the reins of control. Sadly, there is no blueprint or guide to grief. Ws stumble their way through it unwittingly, without a plan, and without knowing what they’re doing or if they’re doing it right. They need to be reminded that what they feel is normal, as are the behaviours that rise like phoenixes from such confusing emotions. However, normal does not always equal productive, and there ARE steps a GOW ca take to overcome feeling like her W's mistress (more on this later).

To be sure, most Ws are unaware of how their behaviour impacts others, least of all, their GOWs....that is, until they are shown the way! Dr. Phil says, "You teach people how to treat you!"..and GOWs are no exception! In fact, I can say without fear of retribution that if a GOW feels like her W’s mistress, SHE is partly to blame! It is a GOW’s lack of communication in those delicate areas listed above that lead to a wall of resentment and confusion in her relationship.

Indeed, it is up to each and every GOW to communicate her needs effectively to her W. Most men are not known for being mind readers, and very few actually “get” sarcasm or negative female body language and facial expressions. Thus, it takes good oral communication skills to tune a W into his insensitivity without raging at him for his woeful incompetence brought about by grief.

It starts with validation: a GOW should acknowledge her W’s grief in a way which conveys to him that he is not being blamed, resented, or otherwise scolded for his actions/inactions. She should actually take the guilt burden off of him by offering her understanding, informing him how she knows that grief can render a W selfishly myopic and sorely out of tune with anyone’s needs but his own.

With a spirit of cooperation, a GOW should be willing to give her W a pass for his past mistakes because she knows she must put the blame where it belongs: on grief. She should acknowledge that, although she has been patiently understanding thus far, some things DO need to change.

Finally, a GOW should communicate to her W in detail those things that upset her (see list above) and, using The Three C’s (communication, cooperation, and compromise), she should ask for his help in working together with him toward solutions that are mutually satisfactory to both.

The "Longsuffering Goodfella" Syndrome

2011-02-06T19:41:00.003-05:00

I got a letter the other day from a GOW who has been with her W for 2 years. He had been widowed five years prior to their meeting. Having successfully completed bereavement recovery classes years before, she felt her W had moved on and let go long before they met. However, she was annoyed at how much he seemed to enjoy playing the grieving widower around certain people, especially his former in-laws, and was curious as to why.

I think most Ws suffer from "Gotta make other people understand that grief never stops" syndrome...and I believe it is closely tied to the canonization stage of grief. In other words, it is important for Ws that other people realize he has not forgotten - nor stopped loving - his LW. Ws like being thought of as noble in their grief, and when they take on a new love, some of their halo's polish wears off. Thus, they need to remind people that, although they have moved on, they are still longsuffering goodfellas who haven't erased LW from their minds.

I think the "longsuffering goodfella", AKA: the W, is quite attractive to society in general BECAUSE he is suffering: It means he must really know how to love if he grieves its loss so badly. It also means he must really be a good man who honours his wedding vows of "til death do us part" and has a proven track record of commitment. Thus, society tends to hold the bereaved up on a pedestal. Society loooves to compartmentalize, label, and yes, hero worship. ;)

Thus, some Ws tend to believe what they know society thinks of them - and they take a certain pride in their halos, as if grief were a badge of honour earned in the battlefield of loss. They feel almost duty-bound to uphold the reverence of such a noble title. Doing so shows the world that he is a good guy…a champion among men…one who, though once crushed and wounded, has risen above the ashes and then danced in them.

But not so fast! Dancing in the ashes of victory over grief can backfire when society feels that, in doing so, the W has made sure his past has been destroyed, forgotten, and ignored. If a W who enjoys his title is to keep up the façade of nobility (and his imagined responsibility to those who also experienced the same loss, such as his former in-laws), he must not allow the world to witness his inner victory dance, lest they stop holding him in high esteem.

Such is the case with certain Ws who feel they must keep the sad, mourning routine going for the sake of their LWs’ family or anyone else, even though they are far beyond bereavement. These men fear that any hint of their moving on and letting go may disappoint the others, and they are afraid others may be angry about their choice to do so. And yes, some of these Ws have grown accustomed to their shiny halos of sad nobility, even those who have long ago recovered.

There are even those Ws who enjoy the attention of being longsuffering, negative though it may be. Never before having been the center of attention, they quickly learn that being in the spotlight as the ever-grieving widower garners a great deal of sympathy and kindness, the likes of which he may never have experienced before….and it feels soooo good to bask in this kind of love. It’s hard to let go of something that feels so soothing and comforting, regardless of how enabling it is.

This is not to say that ALL Ws experience this kind of subconsciously manipulative behavior. Those who do are usually Ws who not only have had a very close interpersonal relationship with the former in-laws and/or an on-going friendship with former friends of LW - but have kept this bond going ONLY because of their shared mutual loss. It’s not entirely the W’s fault, either: the in-laws and friends derive a great deal of satisfaction from this kind of bond. What they fail to do is to see their son-in–law/friend (the W) as a man autonomous from the LW. In other words, they have a hard time imagining him as anything other than LW’s husband, not as a unique individual who might have other plans and dreams apart from being “one of them” (longsuffering survivors).

Thus, when a GOW enters the picture, she may be seen as the interloper - the person poised to “replace” the LW and knock her off the imaginary pedestal they have worked so hard to erect in her memory. The W in this scenario now faces a new challenge: how to keep moving ahead with his plans, moving on with his life, and letting go of the past so he can be released from its chains enough to love again….yet STILL prove to LW’s family and friends that he will never stop loving nor forget LW, enough so their worries and fears are groundless. He thinks that the way to do this is to keep LW’s memory live in their presence, even when his GOW/WOW is also in attendance. Little does he realize that doing so minimizes what his GOW/WOW means to him and hurts her feelings.

This is when the “tough love” that comes with being a GOW/WOW must be initiated via good, honest, and forthright communication of her needs, thus urging W to re-evaluate his priorities as to where and with whom his loyalties lie. This can be tricky for him, as he does not want to hurt neither his family/friends nor his GOW/WOW with such a decision. He fears that choosing one over the other is what he must do, and if so, someone is bound to be hurt. Guilt then ravages his soul, knowing he MUST release his charade of longsuffering, but not wanting to for fear he will no longer be the goodfella he has come to know and love about himself.

Although not exactly a stage of gruief, this IS a stage of bereavement recovery...and as with all things grief-related, a W i n this position will eventually work it out, and this too shall pass.

When GOW Issues Come Back To Haunt Her

2011-01-07T15:25:00.000-05:00

Many GOWs who have been with their Ws for a long time (over a year) state with wonder that they feel they are taking two steps back to gain a step forward, especially when it comes to their own insecurities regarding LW.
In the beginning of a dating relationship with a W, we don't mind hearing about LW, looking at her pictures, etc. We are curious about a woman we never knew (in most cases) and whom W loved. In a weird way, we hope the information we need to know about her will help us understand ourselves: what W sees in us, why he is attracted to us, etc. All the data we collect about LW is just that: dry data...and rather benign and inconsequential...UNTIL we invest more and more of our hearts into our Ws. Then, all bets are off and all the rules change. Suddenly, instead of being a list of character traits, she becomes more and more real - and more and more of a perceived threat to our own happiness with W.

As GOWs, over time, we battle these insecurities in stages: We learn that letting LW go is paramount to W's grief recovery, and are pleased when he detaches enough to stop the LW chatter and put those pictures away. It means he is starting to live more in the present. This is comforting to us, and we learn to allow him his past as long as we are confident in his growth in the present....so we become agreeable to his keeping a few LW things & pictures for his own memories, believing that he will some day let these few go, too....when he is ready.

Time passes, and months turn into years...and our relationships and love grow....and again, we look to the pictures that remain to gauge his recovery. The ones we were once agreeable to his keeping are once again perceived threats, because we now view them as a blip in his grief recovery. We worry that he might be stalled in his progress if he still hasn't removed every piece of evidence from his past. We rationalize, "OK, buddy - it's been a few years now. I've given you the best love & care I can. So where's my reward?" We want a return on our "love investment", and truly believe it should come in the form of knocking LW off her da#@! pedestal once and for all.

We tire of his grief triggers, thinking. "He should be over this already!!!" and forgetting that grief has no timetable. Our impatience leads to resentment...and the relationship takes a bad turn, mostly because neither the GOW nor her W is communicating anymore about GOW/W/LW issues. They believe they, as a couple, should be beyond that by now...but what neither realizes is that GOW/W/LW feelings DO change, and sometimes, they take a step backwards before they go forward!

A GOW in this situation - perhaps you yourself - feels that mentioning the LW pictures at this point, years later, would be perceived by W as verrry petty and inconsequential. After all, "He's still here, he's a good man, he's really grown in his grief journey, our relationship is pretty solid, and he shows me he loves me all the time...so why do I have this sudden need to erase LW completely from this house and this life we share?"

I'll tell you why: because you're NORMAL! It's OK to want to be #1 in his life and in his heart, especially since you've worked soooo hard and given soooo much. And really, a GOW should NEVER become a WOW if her W still hasn't let go of his past and his LW and made her ( the GOW) his life's priority. But instead of allowing the picture issue to breed resentment, GOWs should always be "taking mental inventory" of where W is at on his grief journey....for as long as the journey takes! That means....talk, and lots of it. Communication about LW issues between a GOW and W isn't just for the infancy of their relationship - it is something that a couple will constantly and consistently need to be practising, so that years later, there are no misunderstandings based on assumptions.

Break or Break-Up? Let's Be Friends..or Not?

2010-12-15T17:24:00.001-05:00

Many times, a W will jump into a relationship with a GOW before he is ready; before he has completed bereavement recovery. Naturally, an innocent, loving GOW who has no clue what grief recovery entails will have no idea what she is in for, which is usually the W’s inevitable latent bombshell of, “I’m sorry, but I ‘m not ready for all this yet…can we just be friends until I work this out?” Suddenly awestruck as to the timing of such a request, a GOW wonders, “Is this a break…or a break-up? Do we keep seeing each other…or not? And what about contact: do we, or don’t we?”

So what is a GOW to do when she is asked by her W to be patiently single while he limps off on his own to nurse his grief? In a utopian world, a W and his GOW will have already laid a good foundation of communication wherein they can feel comfortable enough to define the parameters of their separation. This is a time for fortitude in asking the tough questions about how long the separation may last, who contacts whom, and whether or not meeting for dates or even coffees is a good idea. Bottom line: it is best to find out NOW if this will be a complete breakup or just a temporary setback.

Sadly, this is NOT a utopian world. A W who suddenly seeks a break or a breakup will be ill-equipped, thanks to his overwhelming need for “alone time” in which to process his grief without distraction, to adequately formulate a plan that includes the GOW’s feelings. A grieving W is not forward-thinking; thus, a plan that requires thoughts of a future beyond today is usually not something he is ready to deliver. As much as he may claim to love his GOW – and he usually does! – he is temporarily rendered insensitive when, in reality, grief is to blame for his inability to be compassionate about her stake in all of this.

If you are a GOW who has just landed in this predicament, the good news is that it is never too late to go back to your W after the initial devastation of his request for separation wears off, and ask him to cooperate with you about how to define the break/breakup. You may have to swallow your pride before confronting him on a fact-finding mission, however, especially if your last date where he delivered the bad news was emotionally explosive, and hurting words were delivered as parting shots you now regret taking.

But think about it: do you really think you would be capable of maintaining a friendship-only relationship with a man you once loved, and still do? Would it not be best for both of you to completely separate until such time as W feels recovered enough to pick up where you left off? And is that fair to you?

Grief is a lone journey, each survivor making it in their own time and in their own way. Seeking professional counseling is always a good idea for a survivor, but you yourself playing grief counselor to a W who is not comfortable in a love relationship any longer can backfire on both of you. It would be like the blind leading the blind. I never recommend it. Thus, you have to ask yourself, “Am I willing to just be a good friend who merely nods and listens as he mourns for another woman in my presence?”

You and only you must decide whether being his friend is going to be helpful to both of you. Are you mentally, emotionally, and intellectually prepared to play the role of grief counsellor? Are you prepared to endure the heartache of wanting him, yet knowing you must keep him at arm's length? Are you willing and able to put in the time, energy, and resources into a friendship that may never result in more? Do you believe you can truly be selfless enough to hold back your personal agenda so he can have what he needs to recover? Grief is a solitary journey, one he must work alone, at his own pace and in his own time...and without distractions. Are you sure that at some point, you will not be tempted to push your agenda, thus delaying his recovery?

Some GOWs answer this question by replying, “Well, I’d be willing to put I the hard work as long as the payoff is that we are together in the log run.” However, therein lies the rub. There is no way to predict whether your efforts to maintain a friendship with W will end up the way you hope it will: as a loving, more-than-friends relationship. In fact, the statistics show it will not happen. But you just may beat the odds. There is always hope. It IS possible he is just asking for time to heal, and will be back after he has properly grieved, but there are no guarantees ad no way to predict the outcome.

Remaining "friends only" with someone you once loved and were intimate with is a very difficult task. Thus, it is up to each individual GOW to decide whether or not she has the fortitude for the job. Since W is in the driver’s seat of grief, it is up to him to lead the way and set the pace. But that is not to say you have to be his passenger. Moving on without him, even as he resides in your heart, is what I feel is best. Do not contact him until such time as he contacts you. Make your life as happy as possible without him in it. If a future with a W is meant to be, it WILL be....as long as grief no longer stands in your way.

The Onset (and Onslaught!) of Latent Grief

2010-10-28T10:12:00.001-04:00

Simply put, “latent grief” is grief that was never satisfactorily dealt with during the early stages, and has come back. Reasons why grief may be delayed are many, but the most common reason is that a W, knowing how difficult grief is, often pushes it aside (denial) or substitutes it for more self-pleasing activities and pursuits in order to distract himself from the agony of grief. Often, a new love in his life can delay a W's journey to recovery because she represents a pleasing distraction from the arduous task of working through grief feelings. However, grief is like an insolent child: it will kick and scream until it gets the attention it wants.

Latent grief is usually triggered by some kind of new emotional and/or stressful event in a W's life, such as a child's entrance into college (empty nest syndrome), a new job, and even another loss. Guilt is often a factor. When latent grief happens, a GOW (Girlfriend Of a Widower) is suddenly both shocked and confused as her W goes into a self-imposed exile in order to deal with HIS suddenly confusing and shocking feelings.

The problem with latent grief for the GOW is that it strikes out of seemingly nowhere. The relationship can be running along rather smoothly, and then whammo....the widower suddenly becomes withdrawn, sulky, depressed, etc....and refuses to discuss his feelings. Since he has convinced himself (and you, too) that he was beyond bereavement, this new and surprising development makes him shut down even further. He feels he cannot possibly discuss these new feelings with you NOW, since he has already spent so much time and effort convincing you that he WAS ready to love again.

At this point, a W may ask his GOW for a separation, or may simply stop all contact. It is not his intention to hurt her, but rather, to distance himself from that which is distracting him from the grief work he knows he must accomplish in order to heal. A W who does not realize that his latent grief is normal and temporary may need to enter counseling in order to receive validation and to learn effective tools for healing.

So what is a GOW to do? Unfortunately, at this point, grief is stronger than your W, so the "alone time" he requests is vital to his healing and must be respected, even encouraged. Your W will have to complete the grief stage he formerly skipped before he can move on again. Only HE knows what is best for himself, grief-wise. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time; thus, while a widow who dates a W may find his actions strange if she herself had never experienced latent grief, it is perfectly normal - even common - for others, including her W. It is statistically unclear how long the average length of separation caused by latent grief may last. However, it is best to let a W lead.

During the separation, a GOW would be wise to research grief so she can learn to somewhat understand what her W is going through.

Latent grief differs in severity from one mourner to another and each widower deals with latent grief in differing lengths of time. Thus, it's hard to put a finger on what to expect. I know you are so tired of being patient, and all you really want are guarantees, but I'm afraid I can't offer any. However, I'll try to give you some idea:

For one, you can expect a kind of "bipolar" experience, meaning he will be maniacally UP one day, and depressingly DOWN another in a roller-coaster kind of way. It can happen surprisingly fast, too: one minute, you'll be having a nice, happy dinner together, and the next minute he'll be crying in his dessert.

Secondly, you can expect him to try to push you away. He may do this for a variety of reasons: to get the space he needs to cope with his emotions, to keep you at a distance while he goes through this so he won't hurt you emotionally while he copes, to deal with his overwhelming guilt feelings, etc. And just as quickly, he may try to pull you back into this life. During this push/pull experience, all you can do is go with the flow and let him lead. During those times he pushes you away, keep in casual contact to let him know you care. During the times he pulls you in, try to get him to open up and communicate his feelings. Don’t worry about bringing up his painful past. He NEEDS to talk about it in order to purge it.

During this separation, a GOW/W couple may cease all communication if that is what a W has decided is best. However, I believe casual "check-up" contacts are important to maintaining healthy lines of communication, thus keeping a spark alive until such time as the W has learned to better manage his grief.

Thirdly, understand that there is nothing you have done or could do to bring on his episodes of latent grief. It's not your fault. Neither should you blame him or accuse him of doing something over which he has no control. He is just as confused as you are.

Lastly, understand that therapy takes time. You will be called on to deliver the most patience you have ever had to give. It is a good sign that he accepts he has a problem, better still that he has sought help for it. Realize that latent grief IS temporary; he will not deal with it forever. Sure, he will always grieve his loss to some extent, but not in a way that impedes his personal growth and happiness as it does now.

Accepting latent grief as a normal step towards recovery goes a long way towards building the patience and endurance she will need to survive such a breakup. It is also important for a GOW who is enduring a grief-related separation to take care of herself - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - lest she fall into depression's grip.

It's up to each individual GOW to decide whether or not she can stay with her W while he attempts recovery from latent grief. Many women do, and they are rewarded for their patience and understanding. It depends on the woman's strength and endurance. But if you truly feel you cannot possibly learn to trust him again...if you feel he has hurt you beyond forgiveness....if you cannot possibly wait around for however long it takes him to recover...then by all means and with my permission, start packing your bags. But if you feel you love him and yourself enough to work through this together....if he is willing to be more open and communicative about his feelings while he recovers....if you are willing to understand the complexities of latent grief and commit yourself to researching all you can about it so you will know what to expect...then by all means and with my permission, stay and work it all out.

For more information on the topics of latent grief and surviving a breakup or "fits and starts" episode, please click the links below, which will take you to a few entries in my blog, "Loving A Widower":

http://juliedonnerandersen.blogspot.com/2009/04/fits-and-starts-of-dating-widower.html

http://juliedonnerandersen.blogspot.com/2009/04/moving-on-and-letting-go-are-they-same.html

http://juliedonnerandersen.blogspot.com/2010/03/selfishness-of-grief-aka-fits-starts.html

http://juliedonnerandersen.blogspot.com/2010/01/for-gows-who-date-early-grief-widower.html

For a great excerpt from a professional point of view about latent grief, please click to:

http://books.google.ca/books?id=K-8RwDWbwdIC&pg=PA55&lpg=PA55&dq=latent+grief&source=bl&ots=wcAE2UYUvQ&sig=P0ltJ3h7asEeq-ZnDWXVjYrHhYg&hl=en&ei=K_bATKD4HoOjnQf19YXfCQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=7&ved=0CC0Q6AEwBg#v=onepage&q=latent%20grief&f=false

Finally, if you are experiencing a separation due to latent grief, I encourage you to become a member of The Official WOW/GOW Message Board, where over 600 women worldwide - many who share your experiences - meet to commiserate, share, advise, and encourage each other. Membership is free, and as the moderator, I am there daily.

Separation: What's My Next Move?

2010-10-20T10:00:00.002-04:00

Many times, a W and GOW will decide to take a break from the relationship to re-evaluate and re-focus, but mostly so that W can take necessary "alone time" to work on his grief without distraction. However, because the burden of grief recovery is all-consuming, a W may "disappear" from GOW's life altogtheer, shutting her out without even realizing it. It is during this time that GOWs tend to wonder, "What's my next move? Should I leave him alone...or should I contact him?"

No living thing will grow if it is cut off from even one of its basic survival needs, i.e., food, water, shelter, etc. The same is true for relationships, which cannot grow and thrive without the need for communication being met. Without regular contact (even if "regular" means once a month), we are left to our own conclusions and assumptions about what the other person is thinking, feeling, and/or doing without us...and 99 times out of 100, these will be negative and borderline paranoid assumptions and conclusions. Regular contact establishes a line of communication; a lifeline of sorts that keeps us hopeful and exposes us to W's truth, whatever that may be.

Logic tells us that that which is not connected is DISconnected. Without regular communication, a relationship is indeed disconnected and no longer based in any foundation, be it respect, love, or trust. Indeed, it becomes "uprooted", and like a flower that is not firmly grounded, it will begin to die a slow death.

The difficult part of this "limbo" is that W may not feel the need for contact as much as his GOW does. He has enough on his plate with trying to figure out the complexities of grief, and work through them. This takes all the focus he can muster, and because grief is so hard, a W sometimes subconsiously allows distractions into his life that would ease his pain...distractions that may interfere with his progress.

Surprisingly, most Ws KNOW this, and will put all their ducks in a row prior to grief work...one of those "ducks" being "solitary confinement", wherein he opts to go into his man cave alone, without disruption by anything - or anyone - who may trifle with his focus, thus disconnecting from his GOW until such time as he either A.) feels his grief work has progressed enough to be less of a burden to the relationship and will thus REconnect with his GOW, or B.) decides that he needs more time and will remain DISconnected until further notice.

When a W asks for a break to further his grief agenda, he does not feel the severity of the separation as much as the GOW does. He has more than her on his mind - he has grief. GOW, on the other hand, only has W on which to focus all her energies, thoughts, and feelings....thus making the separation quite a bit more intense - and the need for reconnection and regular communication much stronger - than his.

Friendly, casual contact is a Band-Aid solution to a GOW's anxiety, and should never be taken as a "foot back in the door" of W's life. It is merely a way to ease her troubled, questioning mind and exposes the relationship to the POSSIBILITY of healing through communication; thus rooting the relationship in something more positively focused.

Make no mistake: just because a W goes into self-imposed exile (i.e, his man cave) does not mean he has forgotten his GOW. He has just decided that disconnecting from her is the healthiest way for him to deal with his issues. Most GOW/W relationships that had been firmly rooted in mutual respect and trust PRIOR to separating will weather a separation much better than a previously non-committed relationship. It is this kind of GOW/W couple that should work out regular contact schedule in order to keep the candle burning in the window of their hearts until the W is safely home again.

A DOD Without Issues

2010-09-12T12:13:00.002-04:00

(Note: I wrote this on Sept. 10th 2010, but just got around to posting it today...)

Today is LW's DOD...#14. As I look back over the years, I am amazed at the growth and progress of my W...but also, of myself. Gone are the days of my feeling "less than" or "second best". My insecurities, once raw and laid bare, are barely a flicker. The intensity of my jealousies has been distinquished and doused by the love we have tended to and grown throughout the years. I cannot even remember the last time W and I discussed a W/WOW issue of our own. I don't recall the last time he felt melancholy about "the one who came before me". I no longer wonder, worry, or compare. I have wisely invested in living for the present, which has slowly added up to a future. I no longer look back...just forward.

Today is LW's 14th DOD, and It is just another day on the calender. I haven't secretly driven by the cemetary like I used to in almost a decade, looking for evidence of W's having been there. I remember the date only because it is the day before 9/11, and now that I have remembered the date, I remember the woman. I whisper a "thank you" in her honour. I'm sure W has had a fleeting thought today, but I'm equally as sure that it will be one to make him smile and not plunge him into a deep depression. He will not mention his thoughts or share them with me, as his past memories are his own. WE have OUR memories, and they are the ones he cherishes now.

Today marks the 14th year since LW's passing. The only sadness I feel is for her, but not for W nor for me. She never got the chance to be a mother; to share with W the wonderful joy of parenthood with him that I have. She never experienced the wonder of growing old(er) with him, sharing not only the odd but expected age-related aches and pains together, but also the awe-inspiring depth of love that can only be achieved over time. I start to feel sorry for her, and then I remember where she is. I can almost feel her looking down on us, laughing at our "all too human" thoughts. She is a resident of Heaven. She walks and talks with God, experiences no more pain or heartache...and I can't help but think she is happier now than she ever would have been here on earth...and I smile at how comforting that feels, knowing she is well cared for and loved.

Today is LW's 14th DOD, and my thoughts are with her mother, father, sisters, and other reletives. I send up a heartfelt prayer for them, as I know this is a day that they will never forget. As a mother myself, losing a child is, I believe, the greatest loss of all, so I pretend to wrap loving arms around LW's mom on this day when she misses having her own arms around her baby. I hope that when they think of LW today, their thoughts will be ones to make them smile and laugh. I know their grief journeys will be never-ending, but I pray they experience more peace and acceptance with every passing DOD.

Today is LW's DOD, and my heart is with you, my sisters. I pray that my post here offers you hope that some day, your time will come when you can, like I have, release the chains that previously bound you to negativity, insecurity, and jealousy over LW. I hope you will someday be able to experience a DOD where, without a word spoken between you, you simply reach for the hand of your W and know that each other's thoughts are not on the past, but in appreciation of the present - and with a confident hope for the future. It is, without a doubt, the most beautiful feeling in the world.

If LW was W's "Soulmate"...Where Does That Leave Me?

2010-08-17T17:25:00.002-04:00

In my opinion, “soulmate” is more of a concept...and one not everyone believes in (me, for instance!).

First of all, let's see how the world's best dictionarians and dictionaries define the word:

Merriam Webster: 1 : a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament 2 : a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs

American Standard Dictionary: "One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity."

Collins English Dictionary: "A person for whom one has a deep affinity, especially a lover, wife, husband, etc.

Princeton University: "Someone for whom you have a deep affinity"

Oxford Pocket Dictionary: "A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner."

In reading these definitions, two things about "soulmates" as a CONCEPT pop out at me: 1.) compatibility (in temperament, beliefs, and disposition), and 2.) deep love/affection. But look closely: the one thing that does NOT appear in ANY definition is a concept of a soulmate being "the one and only". Thus, we can logically conclude that the definition of "soulmate" could also apply to the relationship between parent and child, close personal friends, siblings....and W's with GOWs/WOWs.

As a concept, it would appear that "soulmates" falls within a timeframe: Perhaps LW WAS your W's soulmate AT THE TIME of their partnering. However, TODAY - the "here and now" present - YOU are his soulmate. Different times, same concept.

Another thought: Many people attach some kind of ethereal, religious, or "other world" concept to the word "soulmates", i.e., some kind of Higher Power selected LW and W and, because of this, they are destined to be inextricably linked forever and for all eternity.

OK...let's break this down:

I think the concept of "soulmates" differs from religion to religion. As a Christian, I DO believe that God has a plan for all our lives, and yes, I believe He DOES select our lifemates based on what He thinks is in our best interest AT THE TIME, and...based on our oh-so-human choice. I believe all marriages are ordained by God, but not all marriages are made in Heaven. Thus, yesterday's "soulmate" CAN become today's ex-husband! Inextricably linked forever and for all eternity? I think....not. The Bible itself is VERY clear about how God feels about widows/widowers remarrying (He's OK with it! ) In fact, we get a glimpse of this in the wedding vows when we hear a couple utter, "...’til DEATH do us part"...meaning that God thinks of death as a complete separation of soulmates, thus freeing the surviving spouse to find ANOTHER soulmate for the remainder of his earthly days.

In conclusion, I believe the word "soulmate" as it is bantered about today is NOT how the concept was originally meant to be defined and designed. In the aforementioned definitions, there is too much "wiggle room" inasmuch as the word is defined as a noun and not as a concept. As well, the definitions seem to apply prima facie (or "as is") to many other kinds of couples other than that of husband and wife.

If I were a dictionarian, my definition would read something like this:

"Soulmate: A concept in which a partner in couple's earthly life is compatible with the other partner and with whom each shares a deep affinity until such time as the couple is separated by death; after which the surviving partner is free to connect with a new partner until separation by death; thus, perpetuating the concept throughout one's earthly lifetime."

In Judith Sills' book A Fine Romance, she talks about the relationship traps and circle of blame that people can get caught up in what she calls "The Right Person Theory." This totally underscores what I have said about the misleading folklore that there is only one soul mate. Judith says that "Mr./Ms. Right is a myth of our culture and contrary to popular belief, romance can develop with a lot more “someones” than we allow ourselves to believe. Love is not an event – it’s a creation. Love isn't something we find – it’s something we develop." Judith Sill's bottom line is: "There is no one right person - only our ability to give and receive love."

So....

Having read my lengthy dissertation, I'm sure you feel better about the word "soulmate" in that it does NOT mean "the one and only". Still, there will be people who don't "get it" and will fall into the majority of society's ignorance and confusion about the word. The only thing you can do is remember what you have learned here today - and smile at those ignorant lemmings following society's altered twist of the concept. Feel sorry for them and their desire to romanticize a word that just doesn't track, neither logically nor intellectually. Smile...because although LW was his soulmate THEN...YOU are his soulmate now.

Fighting The GOW Insecurity Monster

2010-06-10T10:35:00.000-04:00

I think most women, as a gender, are naturally insecure. We get so many confusing messages from family, friends, other people, the media....all of them telling us how to act, how to look, what to do with our lives, what to eat, etc....arrgh!! I have two daughters, and it's always been quite the parental chore for me to get them to understand that they should learn to shut out the "noise" of others, and just be happy with who they are.

Alas, many women are chained to a childhood past that may have included harsh judgement, negative stereotypes, and absolute verbal abuse from misguided people who made them feel "less than". These women end up as very confused and insecure adults who carry the chains of their past with them throughout their lives. These women often perpetuate their own self-destructive cycle of insecurity by consistently mentally referencing the negativity, and they do this because, frankly, it's all they've ever known. It's like the only manual in their head is the one entitled, "You're Unworthy"...and the audiotape of that book constantly plays and replays over and over again.

When such a woman dates a widower, it's no wonder she will have the MOST difficult time being a GOW. Geesh, even an extremely self-aware and secure woman struggles with feeling second best in these relationships from time to time, so you can imagine how a chronically insecure woman would handle it! She may never feel "good enough" as she constantly compares herself to the LW herself and/or W's marriage to LW.

But there is hope! First of all, allow me to validate your feelings as 100% NORMAL for a GOW! There isn't a GOW or WOW alive who hasn't felt "less than" in her relationship with a W at some point. NOT ONE! Knowing she is not alone nor are her feelings "crazy" often relieves the pressure a GOW feels about her insecurity. However, as I always say, "Normal does NOT equal productive!" "Owning" the fact that you have insecurities is the first step towards healing them....and then the hard work begins. Healing from insecurity must begin from the inside out. What I mean by this is that you CANNOT and SHOULD NOT depend on others to validate yourself. YOU are responsible for your OWN happiness, and thus, your own sense of self-worth.

In therapy, counsellors use a technique wherein they teach their extremely insecure patients to "re-learn" their self-worth/value by substituting the negative "voices" (in the mind) of the past with positive affirmations. This takes a conscious daily effort. Some re-learning techniques include seemingly silly but very effective daily affirmations, such as beginning the day by looking in the mirror and saying out loud to your image, "You are beautiful, intelligent, and worthy of love...and you're going to have a great day!" As well, if you make a mistake during the day, you will learn to substitute negative responses such as "Oh, I'm SUCH a klutz/an idiot/worthless!" with "Oh well, fiddle dee dee, everyone makes mistakes. I’ll just have to learn from this and move on" affirmations. Admittedly, it feels weird doing this the first couple of times, and most people will struggle with believing what they are saying...but the truth is, sooner or later, substituting negative energy with positive energy starts to morphing the childhood lies into a new, beautiful truth - that YOU ARE INDEED a beautiful, intelligent, love-worthy human being!!

Secondly, understand that, while LW and W may have been "perfect" for each other back when they were together, YOU are perfect for him NOW. Your W is NOT the same man he was when he was married to LW. His loss, the strength he has earned by surviving it and coping with it, and other positive character traits he picked up along the way - such as patience and perseverance - have changed him into a very different man; one who is better suited for YOU than he would be for LW if, by some miracle, she returned. Also, remember that you and LW are very different people, autonomous and unique in your own ways. Look at it his way: If your W had WANTED a clone f his LW, he wouldn’t be with you, would he? Thus, he CHOSE you because you are better matched to the person he has BECOME, not the person he used to be.

Thirdly, remember that it IS possible to love two people at the same time for different reasons. Think of how parents do this with ease, loving ALL their children equally but each for their own uniqueness. Your W's love for his LW does NOT diminish what he feels about you, and vice versa. You and LW are like apples and oranges in the fruit bowl of your W's heart. ACCEPT that he will always hold a special place in his heart for her...but that his heart is big enough for him to love YOU with as much passion, if not more.

Lastly, forgive yourself your jealousies of LW and the life your W shared with her. She is not the enemy - grief is. Luckily, grief CAN be managed to a point where it no longer interferes with personal growth and happiness. And when your W finally gets to this point, the pay-off for you will be amazing. Trust me.

"Should I Stay Or Should I Go?" (When GOWs Overstay Their Relationships with Ws)

2010-05-12T10:59:00.002-04:00

I think women sometimes "overstay" their rocky or unfulfilling relationships with men, and for a variety of reasons, a few being:

A.) "I've already invested soooo much of myself, my life, and my time with this man, that if I left now, it will all have been for naught"
B.) "Well, at least he sorta/kinda cares, and it's beats being alone"
C.) "Leaving him now would mean starting all over again, and I'm too old/tired to do this again"
D.) "I should stay and work this out, because if I can't make HIM happy, then what are my chances of making another man happy?"
E.) "I'll stay and work a little harder because even though he's a schmo in one important area of contention, he's good at so many other things"
F.) "My love can change him"

Sound familiar?

GOWs are just as guilty as most women of the above defences, and perhaps even more so. GOWs tend to excuse or overlook their Ws’ faults simply because they are Ws, and in doing so, become longsuffering, overly patient, and extremely forgiving, especially when a lot of time has passed without her needs being fulfilled. However, the “waiting game” is a breeding ground for frustration and resentment, and the relationship soon suffers from a lack of growth. Years can slip by, and suddenly the GOW faces a decision: Should I stay and give him more time, or should I cut my losses and move on?

Let’s again look at the aforementioned reasons some women give for overstaying their welcome in an unfulfilling relationship with a man, and how each pertains to a relationship with a W:

A.) First of all, NO relationship is “for naught” if we take away from it a better understanding of ourselves. Staying in a stagnant, unfulfilling, one-sided relationship where your needs matter little to your W is not a healthy way to spend your time…or any MORE of your time than is necessary. Getting out of a bad relationship is supposed to feel liberating and often exciting as you embark on a new journey toward fulfillment. Sure, you can have a few regrets, but never use them to stay in an unhealthy relationship with someone who depresses you more than he uplifts you.

Granted, even the best relationship with a W can be very confusing and frustrating, but if enough time has passed for your comfort level and you are now faced with the quandary of “Should I stay or should I go?” then you need to ask yourself the following questions: Am I getting our of the relationship more than (or equal to) what I am giving? Am I happier more often than I am sad? Is there an equal balance of need fulfillment (i.e., are his grief needs are being fulfilled along with your GOW needs, and vice versa)? Is your self-esteem in tact, or is it slipping away bit by but because W can’t seem to commit?

B.) What’s wrong with being alone? And does it really pale in comparison to staying in a relationship that offers little or nothing in return for all you have given? Women who use Excuse B to stay in bad relationships do so out of fear. Perhaps they have spent too much WASTED “alone time” in the past, not using the time to discover themselves and try new and exciting things to boost their self-awareness and esteem. Thus, they are afraid to again live in that lonely world of the past where nothing much happens because she is not doing what it takes to MAKE things happen.

Some Ws are very slow to risk loving another women (besides their LW) simply because they are afraid of losing her to death, too. Thus, they offer little in the way of need fulfillment to a GOW, throwing crumbs of hope at her, such as “I MIGHT love you some day,” and dangling that carrot of hope before her face. He does so not for her sake, but for his own. The GOW is a sweet distraction from the necessary grief work he’s trying to avoid, and many Ws will say anything to get a GOW to keep him in blissfully ignorant denial. Sadly, without doing his difficult but necessary grief work, a W’s relationship is doomed to stagnancy, as relationship growth cannot happen in a field of unresolved grief weeds.

C.) Indeed, unbalanced, unfulfilling relationships can be very draining, tiring, and time-consuming. As well, surviving a relationship of this kind often sours a woman from wanting anything more to do with ANY man, as she tends to measure all future possibilities by the same past bad experience yardstick. Again, this is fear talking. Every man you let into your world runs a 50/50 chance of being another schmo unworthy of your time and effort. However, let’s not disregard that OTHER 50% chance of the next man possibly being Mr. Right-For-You! Wallowing in an unfulfilling relationship because you’re tired means you are settling for less than you deserve simply because you can’t imagine making another exhausting effort with another man. But imagine this: have you considered the fact that the next man won’t be so overwhelming? You’ll never know until you try. Happiness just may be one date away.

D.) I’ve always said that the life of a GOW is NOT for every woman. This is not to say that if you cannot make a go of a relationship with a W, that you are somehow lacking in some superhuman quality. It just means that you are mismatched for whatever reason. My best friend is married to a travelling salesman who spends a great deal of time on the road. Sometimes they only see each other once a month. Meantime, she works full time and takes care of the house and kids. I could NOT survive such a relationship as it would be very unfulfilling and energy depleting for me, but it works for them and they are very happily married. It doesn’t mean I somehow lack a certain “salesman’s wife” character trait. Thus, don’t despair if you cannot make a go of it with a W. And don’t resign yourself to not making a new effort with a new man who just may be a better match for you than your W was. Your chances of making the next man happy are pretty good if he’s not a W, since you will have learned that Ws just aren’t for you.

E.) Staying in a stagnant relationship with a W to “try a little harder” would be like spinning your car wheels in quicksand. You couldn’t try any harder than you have. It’s not you – it’s grief! And sadly, there is nothing you can do to make his grief work easier. You could read up on grief to try to understand its stages and complications. You could whisk W away on a tropical mini-vacation every weekend. You could set up a stripper pole in the bedroom and drive him wild. But the fact is, these are all merely distractions for W that enable him to avoid doing his necessary grief work.

On the Official WOW/GOW Message Board (at juliedonnerandersen.com), there are GOWs who have waited more than a year, sometimes several, just to hear their Ws utter the words every woman needs to hear from her lover: “I love you”. But these GOWs stay with their non-verbal Ws, they tell me, because he shows his feelings in other ways and is good to her in other ways. That sounds nice…in theory. Theoretically, these GOWs seem willing to sacrifice a very important need for the greater good. But needs are just that – needy! And if you, like most women, NEED to hear verbal confirmation of your W’s feelings, then his denying you this very important need is selfish and cruel. A year or more is a long time to be with someone, be intimate, and recognize their actions as loving...yet not hear the words. You have a basic need to hear them, and he is denying you that. Why? How much more "thinking time" do you believe he needs in order to decide that the time is right for him to speak his heart!? If he's not sure by now, when DO you think he will be? And are you willing to wait until that time comes…IF it comes at all?

I think it's wonderful that GOWs, by their very nature, try to understand their W’s reasons, excuses, and justifications (and almost defensively, so we won't think he's a total jerk), but I can't help but think that this very noble understanding is, in fact, enabling him to remain "closeted" with his feelings. He might be good at fulfilling your other relationship needs, but at what cost - your most important basic human needs? That’s a sacrifice no woman should be willing to make....or wait for….or excuse.

F.) If you really think you can change a W just by staying faithfully by his side and loving him through his grief, think again. YOU cannot do Thing One to change him. The changes WILL come eventually, but only if he does the necessary grief work for himself and BY himself. And your relationship will not survive unless he can do this required grief work PLUS be sensitive to your GOW needs simultaneously. If enough time has passed without seeing any progress at all in this area with your W, then you are spinning your wheels. The only person in this instance that you can change is YOU, as you develop enough self-esteem to remember that you are worthy of a fulfilling relationship where nothing stands in the way of your needs.

Feeling "Left Out" As a GOW

2010-04-29T11:14:00.002-04:00

Ideally, your W’s children (whether small or grown), his extended family, and friends have welcomed you with open arms into W’s life. Sadly, that is not always the case. Sometimes, the people you expect to warmly accept you into the fold are the ones who just cannot accept that W’s life has moved beyond bereavement into the light of new love. Sometimes, it is the W himself who feels the need to “hide” his new love from family and friends in order to “shield “ her from what he perceives as potential conflict. And sometimes, the GOW or WOW herself sabotages these potential relationships before they even take flight. In this blog, we will examine the reasons behind each situation.

The Official WOW/GOW Message Board (which you can join at http://www.juliedonnerandersen.com) is chock full of members who have been left out of their W’s family gatherings, events, and functions simply because W was not ready yet to bring his new girlfriend into the array. The basis for this unreadiness is fear: W is simply afraid to face the music, i.e., the possible negative judgements and opinions of those he holds dear. He erroneously assumes no one will be happy for him. He is afraid that his new relationship will disappoint those who feel he has “forgotten” LW by loving again, or that he is trying to erase LW from his mind, or that he no longer loves her. Family and friends have been through so much already, perhaps many are still dealing with their own grief, so he does not want to upset the applecart of emotional balance that took years to achieve. Many Ws also feel that they “owe” family and friends their eternal devotion and memorialization of LW because their loved ones have been so supportive of the W’s loss in the past. After all, he reasons, none of them have moved on, so why should I be so lucky? Thus, instead of being confident of his choice to move on, his choice of new love, and his family’s reaction, he instead gives into his assumptions and does his best to please everyone. W rationalizes to his GOW that his decision to “hide” her from the scrutiny of family and friends is because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings; that she is better off staying in the proverbial attic until such time as W feels bringing her to meet his posse will not cause trouble. Of course, this never works, as someone’s feelings WILL be hurt – and it’s usually the GOW who pays the price.

While noble in his intent to protect his GOW from what he perceives as possible condemnation, W’s fear of reprisals is ridiculous and more than likely, unfounded. Naturally, friends and extended family will feel awkward and perhaps a little uncomfortable at first, but meeting ANYONE new can bring these feelings to the surface. As a rule, most friends and families of W love him unconditionally enough to be happy for him, and delight in meeting the new woman who has been such a positive influence on his life. Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule, but the bottom line is this: W must come to terms with his life choices, embrace them, and confidently live his life without fear of what other people think. After all, it’s HIS life, not theirs. And if they have issues with his choices, it’s THEIR problem, not his.

Friends of W were usually friends of LW, too. Those who spent a great deal of time with W and LW and enjoyed the simpatico of their combined friendships may have trouble accepting the GOW at first only because they know it will never be the same at is was before with LW. Soon enough, however, friends begin to realize that the GOW brings a fresh perspective to the group because of her unique and individual personality, which isn’t bad thing, just a different thing!

As mentioned previously, there are exceptions to the rule that friends and family will always embrace the GOW….and that exception is usually his children. Minor children who live at home are fiercely loyal to their mother’s memory, and can stubbornly dig in their heels when Dad (W) brings home the GOW. This is normal, as children do not have the emotional maturity to make sense of grief. A widowed father knows his children well, and because his kids’ grief is so near and dear to his heart, he struggles with trying to balance his newfound happiness with their pain. As sure as he may be of how the GOW could add so much joy to their lives, he is still afraid – and perhaps rightly so – to minimize their mother’s memory by stomping on it with his desire to love again. Ws with children – whether minor or adult children - must be ever mindful to remain respectful of their feelings, but this is not to say that he must demonstrate that respect by sacrificing his own happiness. A balance CAN be achieved with proper communication, timing, and the W’s willingness to comfort his children’s fears with his reassurance of not only his forever love for their mother, but in the benefits of having another woman in their lives to love.

Finally, the last barrier to a happy family is the GOW herself. While she complains of feeling left out, it is often she who often puts up impenetrable walls of fear. She is afraid of being misjudged and criticized. But mostly, she insecurely fears the inevitable comparisons W’s friends and family may make between her and LW. She is afraid she will never be accepted for who she is and not a pale replacement for the late, great LW. The good news is that once she makes the decision to face her fears and meet W’s friends and family, she is often rewarded with the relief that her fears, as W’s had been, were simply groundless.

Naturally, there will be exceptions to the majority of happy endings that occur in these cases, and some friends and family of W will never learn to accept the GOW. They may tolerate her, invite her to family functions but ignore her, and/or blatantly make verbal comparisons to LW to extract some kind of misguided “revenge” on her audacity to “replace” LW in W’s heart. While I feel for GOWs in these situations, I know that understanding friends' and family's complicated grief, and being compassionate towards it, often makes these get-togethers tolerable. As always, it is imperative that the W in these situations have his priorities in order so he can defend his choice of GOW, stand by her side, and facilitate as best he can the GOW's acceptance into the family…whether they like it or not.

The Selfishness Of Grief, AKA: Fits & Starts

2010-03-28T12:21:00.002-04:00

Recently, a GOW on The Official GOW/WOW Message Board (at http://www.juliedonnerandersen.com) posed the following problem regarding her W's 'fits & starts' behaviour:

“When my W told me he needed space, one of the questions I asked him was if his true intention was to break up with me completely. I understand logically that the grief has overtaken him, but anxiety kicks in and I start questioning whether or not I've done something to ruin the relationship. Is this anxiety and insecurity normal?”

I understand what my GOW “sister” is saying. It's hard NOT to take it personally when a W needs to create a self-imposed exile to go hide in his "man cave" for awhile and lick his grief wounds - especially a W who does not know how to communicate his feelings very well. Feels like rejection.

When you've invested your time, energies, and love into a relationship in which the other person seems to be rejecting you (even if it's temporarily, as per ‘fits and starts’ behaviour), then yes, your GOW insecurities are bound to flare up.

Wouldn't it be GREAT if, during periods of 'fits and starts', Ws could say, "I need some time/space to figure some things out re: my grief feelings. Thanks for asking, but no - there isn't anything you can do to help me. Rest assured, I'm not interested in any other woman - I just need some "me time". During this time, I will still be loving you, and my goal is to return to you on ____(date/time), at which point I will have it allllll figured out. Please be patient with me, don't contact me, and above all else - don't worry."

But noooooooo! Instead, they just leave a GOW dangling!

However, take heart - somewhere deep inside, most Ws know that their ‘fits and starts’ hurt their GOWs. There is a huge difference between a W who knows (that his actions are hurtful to the GOW) and cares, and a W who knows he’s being hurtful and DOESN'T care. With the latter, it’s more of a character flaw than a W issue. But with the former, grief is soooo overwhelmingly selfish (because it HAS to be), and selfish emotions can sooo cloud a person's sensitivity to others, that it would appear as if he doesn’t care when, in reality, he does.

The thing is, grief is such a monster that it takes control of a W's usual "good man" self, and turns him into a person you barely recognize: a selfish, self-centered, insensitive, cranky, guilt-ridden, self-pitying, oftentimes self-flagellating - - - - caterpillar. Yep - there goes the ugly insect into his cocoon! So when you think about it, do you really WANT to be with a W when he's like that? I'd rather wait until he emerges as a butterfly. And...he will. It just takes time. How MUCH time? Depends on the caterpillar!

I was chatting the other day with a dear friend of mine about her experiences as a parent who lost a child to cancer. She was talking about how her grief and her husband's grief were sooo damaging to their marriage that they almost divorced. (The divorce rate is very high among couples who lose a child by any means of death). When I mentioned how Ws tend to go through 'fits and starts' when dating, she assured me that this was a GOOD thing...that she wished she and her husband could have spent a year apart to lick their wounds before coming back together in a more "healing" state of mind. As it was, she said, they were each too close to the pain, and to each other, to be of much help. The selfishness of grief was, to them, like poison. She resented his grief, and he resented hers. She needed him, but he was too overcome...and vice versa.

Granted, GOWs are NOT "too close to the pain" since, after all, the GOW didn't lose LW. But it would appear that, based on my friend's experience, no one can really be of much help to someone who grieves, even someone who loves a W. Grief is a solitary journey. Thinking of it this way, we can understand how ‘fits and starts’, though difficult and hurtful to the GOW, are perhaps just blessings in disguise.

It's always a good idea during times of separation to keep your focus on yourself: find ways to pass the excruciatingly slooow and hard time with things and people that will make you feel good about yourself.

Some GOWs find it cathartic to start a journal and detail their feelings. A few even share this journal with their Ws once he emerges from his “cave” in order to show him exactly how she felt so he can be more aware of her feelings if he ever again finds the need to again impose his ‘fits and starts’ exile. This is a great way to communicate your needs to your W as you work together to endure the difficult yet oftentimes necessary ‘fits and starts’.

Putting your GOW/WOW Needs On The Back Burner

2010-03-01T10:18:00.002-05:00

GOWs walk a fine line between getting their issues addressed and not wanting to burden their poor grief-weary Ws. On one hand, you want to be compassionate, respectful, and caring. On the other hand, doing so means your GOW needs take a back burner, and you start to wonder where YOU fit in with all this grief. Then you begin to lose patience, which breeds resentment, which stunts a relationship's growth...not a healthy path for ANY relationship, but an absolute "couple killer" for GOW/W relationships!

Tiptoeing around W's grief, though compassionate, is never really a good idea. But neither is ignoring his grief, wishing it away, and/or pretending like it doesn't exist, all in the name of pushing him towards recovery faster than he needs to go, or just so you can get your needs met.

The balance you need to achieve can be accomplished by following these steps:

1.) Never assume...Communicate!!

Dating is a "getting to know you" time in every relationship. Having been with your W for awhile, you start to become very adept at recognizing your partner's moods. But which moods are grief-related, and which moods are simply the ordinary, run-of-the-mill blues we all experience from time to time? We can almost pinpoint when a W bad mood is grief-related if an LW-related anniversary is near...but what about those times when he is quiet and pensive, mopey, or just down in the dumps? Can we assume ALL of his bad moods have something to do with grief?

Of course not! Ws are human, after all, and ALL humans have bad days. Drawing "Grumpy" out is key to getting him to communicate about his negative moods. There's no beating around the bush allowed when dealing with a W! - you have to use direct language, but in a compassionate, gentle way: "Dear, you seem very down lately, and while I know you struggle with your grief feelings, I'm wondering if your mood isn't based on something that has [i]recently[/i] happened. Either way, I'd like to talk to you about it because I care, and I hope you wil trust me with whatever your reasons for being so depressed/quiet/grumpy.ansious/etc."

2.) Acknowledge - and accept - his pain, but don't "sacrifice in the name of love" unless you are prepared to focus ALL of your relationship's time and energies on grief alone!

While noble in its compassion, putting your needs aside to devote 100% of your energies on W's grief is never a good idea. Many GOWs believe that "Since W is already hurting an dealing with sooo much, why should I dump my GOW issues and everyday life problems on top of his already burdensome pile?" The answer is simple: because YOU matter! YOU are 50% of your relationship, and as such, you are an intregral part of its growth. That being the case, let me ask you: How much growth will there really be if you continue to withhold your feelings/issues to tend to his, all the while suffering in silence and breeding resentment and impatience slowly? Thus, putting your needs on the back burner isn't so noble after all...it's downright destructive, both to your relationship and to yourself.

However, timing is everything. I know that when my husband comes home upset about something that went wrong at work, that is NOT the time for me to complain about our high electric bill. The same discernment is required of a GOW when W is in a grief-related bad mood. Therefore, choose your discussion times wisely, and approach them in a spirit of cooperation. Acknoweldge his pain when he seems to be hurting...but when you are hurting with GOW issues, the same rules apply. All in love is fair...so allow him to be YOUR support when needed, too. When you seek to withhold your issues "for the good of the relationship", you effectively deny your W the immense pleasure he derives from reassuring you. Stop being so selfish in your nobility! ;)

3.) Communication kills The Insecurity Monster...so itemize your needs and deal them out, one at a time.

Without proper communication, we assume waaay too much negativity. Humans are funny beings, and GOWs are stranger still: instead of assuming the simplistic reasons behind a W's quiet mood - that perhaps he is silent simply because he's just got gas (lol) - we negatively assume that he MUST be thinking about ending our relationship...or he's thinking that he couldn't possibly love me as much as he loved LW...or he's thinking I'm fat...or...or..or...etc....etc...ARRRGH!! All that insecurity makes you feel like you're losing your mind, doesn't it?

The GOW list of insecurities can be quite a long one, so the problem becomes dealing with one at a time instead of the whole kit & kaboodle at once. Itemizing your list of GOW issues in order of importance to you, then communicating them to your W, effectively kills The Insecurity Monster...and when the beast is dead, you acquire newfound strength for your GOW journey, add groweth potential to your relationship, and become more of a positive influence and support to your W when his own journey becomes problematic.

For GOWs Who Are Discouraged

2010-02-06T12:02:00.002-05:00

It's sooo difficult to be in the "limbo" of GOWdom. Eventually, we all come to a crossroads and wonder if we should stay and fight, or chalk it up to experience and leave before another shoe drops.

As a GOW, you wonder, "Is it worth it? Is HE worth it?" You worry about investing any more time and effort into a relationship that seems so unbalanced and one-sided. You feel unloved and unworthy. You think to yourself "Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?" as you cling to whatever shred of hope you can find. No one understands you - least of all, the W himself - and you feel so alone, frustrated, and insecure. You start wondering if what you feel is selfish or simply unappreciated, and the frustration of that leads to anger. You are angry about putting your needs on hold to pacify his. You are afraid of communicating your needs for fear of sounding demanding or selfish. You are angry at grief itself and its stranglehold over your W. You secretly rage at this beast - The Grief Monster - for occupying more of his time, emotions, and thoughts than you do. You fear for your future security, and wonder if he will ever learn to manage his grief, let go of his past, and move on...yet you worry that the damage he may survive will always be a part of him, creeping into your future life together without warning. You question whether or not you have what it takes to be a helpmate, support system, and sympathetic counsellor...yet a part of you wants nothing to do with babysitting grief until it - and he - matures beyond bereavement.

The roller coaster ride of GOWdom is like being bipolar: the highs are manically sweet and intoxicating, and the lows are destructively negative, wreaking havoc on your self-esteem and your need for security. Most times, you feel like two people at once: the angel on your shoulder whispering softly into your ear about love and hope, and the devil on the other shoulder nagging at your fears and urging you to be self-righteous. The inner boxing match you suffer daily is fueled by impatience -an overwhelming need to do whatever necessary to shake W out of his abysmal situation so the two of you can just get on with life. You constantly question how W cannot see the forest for the trees - how he can't seem to appreciate the wonder and beauty of the love you bring to him, and start basing his hope, and his future, on you.

Ladies, I understand how you feel. I have been in your shoes. I may not be that someone to give you the right answers, but I can most certainly offer the wisdom of my personal experience and that of working with Ws for more than a decade. The simple fact is: there ARE no "right" answers, since each relationship is unique and different as the people in them. You have to take whatever advice, illustrations, or examples you find here on this blog, in my book, or on the Official WOW/GOW Message Board on my website, and tweak them to suit your unique siuation.

But most of all, you have to hope. Without hope, you have nothing...no reason to be happy in the moment, to practise patience, to give your best, or to rise above your fears and work through them. Sometimes, hope is a leap of faith...a blind jump into the unknown, with only your belief in yourself, your W, and your God to get you to the other side. I can shout it from the mountaintop that "YES, your W WILL be capable of sooo much more if only you just hang on"...but I can't MAKE you believe that - that is up to you. I can tell you with 100% certainty that hope is always worth the ride. With love, nothing is impossible...you can climb mountains. And hope is the harness to keep you from falling.

For GOWs Who Date An "Early Grief" Widower

2010-01-31T22:54:00.002-05:00

The 5 stages of grief are necessary to complete before a survivor learns how to manage it and can thus be considered recovered. That is why the first year or two of grief is the most crucial. When a W begins dating while he is still walking the stages of grief (referred to as an "early grief" widower), the temporary feeling of euphoria that comes with new love takes his mind off the hard work grief entails and delays the necessary work required for healing. But grief is like an insolent child - it WILL have its way, bar nothing. Thus, the giddy emotions of new love eventually collide with the insolence of grief when grief plays "catch up" and forces the survivor to get back on the road to recovery. This is when a W takes two steps forward, one step back, limping along his grief journey and confusing the new love of his life as he attempts to complete his grief work while also trying to balance that with new love....a verrrrry difficult and confusing thing for any survivor, and equally as confusing to his new love (you).

When unresolved/delayed grief collides with new love, the W can suddenly turn into someone you don't recognize. His moods change, and he often breaks off the relationship without warning and without explanation. During this time, Ws often battle guilt, depression, and anger all at once. He feels guilty for being alive while his LW is dead. That guilt also includes feeling as if he is betraying his LW by loving again. Oddly enough, though he wants his family/friends to accept the GOW, he wonders why they have "forgotten" LW by doing so! He wonders if he will ever "get over" his depression, which makes him sink deeper into it. He no longer feels worthy of the wonderful love the GOW brings, so he begins to withdraw from her. He is looking for someone to blame for his overwhelming feelings of grief...and sadly, it is the GOW who takes the brunt of it.

The good news is that these episodes of "fits and starts" in early grief widowers are usually temporary...but can vary in length. Every W handles grief in his own way and in his own time, and certain W behaviours are normal and common to each stage of grief. Thus, there IS a light at the end of this tunnel, but it could be a looong time before you see it. It should reassure you that the emotions W is experiencing are very common...and quite normal....for most early grief Ws.

If you believe your W did not properly grieve before he met you, and is only recently attempting to get back on track with his grief, try to be patient. Though these episodes apepar to come out of nowhere, there are usually signs: Holidays and death anniversaries are common grief triggers. The magnitude of what he is feeling is just as confounding to him as it is to you.

The best thing you and W can do from this point forward is to really learn how to communicate effectively...and often. Although I caution GOWs NOT to play the grief counsellor, there are things you CAN do to bring grief to the surface. It is healthy for a W to walk every grief stage completely, so the last thing you want to do is to stand between he and his grief work. It is beneficial and cathartic for W to be able to talk about his feelings. If this is not something you think you can handle - and it would be OK if you didn't - then I recommend urging W to attend Bereavement Recovery classes, or seek counselling wit a qualified grief therapist. These are wonderful people who recognize what W is experiencing and can give him the tools for recovery.

Meantime, try not to take his behaviour personally. I know this sounds odd since you probably feel like the target of his angst, but please understand that a lot of his feelings are subconscious in nature (he can't help it) and perfectly normal for every W. There are many books on grief that you may want to read, as recognizing the stages will put your mind at ease quite a bit. Just remember that this is part & parcel of Loving A Widower….

The GOW Sacrifice

2010-01-02T16:06:00.003-05:00

Many GOWs wonder if, by tending to his own grief needs, W is ignoring or being insensitive to her GOW needs. As a former GOW myself, I can validate how loving a W sometimes feels like an either/or proposition: either his needs are being met while the GOW's are being put on the back burner, or the GOW's issues are getting the attention they deserve while the W temporarily halts his grief process. There just doesn't seem to be much "wiggle room" for compromise when it comes to such demanding and complicated emotional needs on both sides.

Thus, it might seem like you, as a GOW, are usually the one in your relationship making all the sacrifices in the name of being compassionate to W's grief, but there is a good reason for this: you cannot control a W's grief process. It is much stronger than you are. This is why I caution all GOWs against insisting on having things go their way. Communication and compromise are key to accomodating W's grief while, at the same time, getting your needs met, too. It IS possible, but it takes a LOT of strength, trust, and belief in each other. Unfortunately, grief needs are very selfish needs. But tending to grief needs, selfish or not, is necessary in order for the survivor to properly heal.

Grief is a HUGE job. Think of W as grief's employee: the boss (grief) gives W a HUGE pile of work to do, but no deadline. W feels overwhelmed, but knows he must do the work or lose his job and thus, his suvival. He begins the immense task when suddenly, he is tempted away from the job by a sexy new co-worker (you!) who offers him respite from the tiring work. He still plugs away slowly at the work, but by spending more of his work time with the co-worker, he becomes a slacker who starts pissing off the boss.

The boss finally has a chat with him, telling him he must get his head back in the game and go back to where he left off with more enthusiasm if he is to get it done properly. The boss reminds him that he cannot serve two masters, and that he (the boss/grief) is the only master who holds the key to W's survival.

Meantime, the co-worker is making more and more demands of him that are opposite than those of the boss's. She wants him to please HER, and to him, what she offers feels sooo much better than the work. So, he is torn and confused: he wants to do what feels good, but he knows he must get the job done and done well if he is to keep his job/survive. At this point, he believes what the boss said about serving two masters, and realizes that a choice has to be made. He has no idea how to please the boss and the co-worker at the same time. Thus, making a choice means someone will get hurt, and since his job/survival is more important than his co-worker (the selfishness of grief), he goes back to the part of his work where he left off, and hopes the co-worker will understand and be patient until he finishes.

But the co-worker does not like being put off, even temporarily, so she starts making even more demands of him in order to take control away from the boss. This irks the employee to the point where he starts rebelling against the co-worker. He stops going to lunch with her, calling her and sending e-mails to her on company time, and simply puts his nose the grindstone whether she likes it or not. He can't help it...the workload is enormous and it takes everything he's got to concentrate in order to get through it all.

The co-worker then has two choices: she can either kep things friendly and encourage him to do the work while she patiently awaits her pay-off...or...she can keep insisting on her agenda, driving him further away, and making him even more resentful, perhaps to the point where he tells her that he cannot possibly juggle the work and her at the same time, and she loses him altogether.

Life is about choices, and GOWs who act wisely and out of compassion know that their patience will indeed pay off in the end when her W's grief journey becomes more manageable. The rainbow at the end of the storm is a reward for persevering through the dark times, and this is especially true when you are Loving A Widower....

Blessings,

JDA

Deck The Halls....With LW Memories??

2009-12-05T11:10:00.002-05:00

As the holidays approach, many GOWs and WOWs will deal with a W who is determined to incorporate LW's memory into the season. He may wish to do this in many different ways: candlelight memorials, grave visits, and/or dinners with LW's family. He may also wish to hang LW's or "their" ornaments on the GOW/W or WOW/W Christmas tree.

So how sensitive should a GOW/WOW be to W's need to memorialize his LW at Christmastime?

The following is my reply to a sensitive yet infuriated WOW from The Official WOW/GOW Message Board , who wrote that her W/husband has decorated an "LW Tree" every year since her death, and continues to do so into their marriage:

"I believe there is a HUGE difference between a W who considers LW items as just "things" and their meaning is insignificant, and Ws who attach meaning and memorials to every item their LWs ever owned. The former has let go of the past, and the latter hasn't. There is a HUGE difference between "moving on" and "letting go". Every W moves on - it is the act of returning to some kind of daily routine post-LW. But not every W has let go, which is the acceptance of LW's passing and an embracing of the present and future.

I hate to say this, but your W's behaviour concerns me. He continues to memorialize his LW in a very significant way, which means he has not yet let go, nor has he completed his bereavement recovery since the last stage of grief is "acceptance". Had this year been the first time he wanted to decorate a memorial tree, I would say it was a clear case of latent grief....but you said he has done this every year that LW has been gone, which leads me to believe he did this tree even before you met and then just carried on the tradition into your marriage. And by remaining supportive of this, you have subconsciously enabled him to remain stuck in the final and most critical grief stage.

When you say that you have been "sensitive" to this yet also infuriated, it sounds to me that you have never adequately communicated your feelings, and therefore, resentment has set in. I think it's time for you to speak up. Believe me, you are not doing him any favours by being the sacrificial martyr of your feelings, as I am sure your resentment is putting up a wall between you and him, and is also robbing you (and by proxy, him too) of the joy of the holiday.

You have a right to be heard on this issue. Don't go through another holiday without telling your W how his LW Tree makes you feel. In using The Three C's - communication, cooperation, and compromise - you can begin a line of communication based on honesty and trust. (I refer you to my blog at www.juliedonnerandersen.blogspot.com for more about The Three C's and other articles pertaining to the difference between moving on and letting go).

The marriage of WOW and W signifies a release of the past and an embracing of the present and future. Every holiday shared together shoul dbe a reflection of ONLY you and he and the life you two share. Honestly, I don't think there is any room for LW in a WOW/W holiday, unless the WOW is 100% certain her husband has let go, and is only asking for memorial ornaments to be hung for the sake of the children he and LW had together."

Does Your Widower Say "I Love You"...or Not?

2009-11-19T16:43:00.002-05:00

Men do not give their hearts away easily, do they?!grrr....! Yet when they do, it is like the BEST gift of all. How long do you suppose it takes to determine if you love someone? Seems like we ladies fall in love rather easily. We say "I love you" to our best friends, our parents, and even minor players in our lives like soccer coaches and teachers...lol! It's so easy for us! On the other hand, men tend to take their time. I suppose the difference is that women FEEL their way, hearts first, while men tend to work out their emotions with their brains first. They don't want to risk anything until they are sure they can handle what comes after the "I love you". Feelings can be uncomfortable for some men, even embarrassing. I guess it's how some of them are raised to be tough and strong, and NOT to show emotion. But Lord love a man who finally gets in touch with his feminine side!

So who's right? Is it better to wait until you are 100% sure you love someone before blurting out the words, or is it better to just let your heart do the talking? Hmmm....'tis a quandry the world may never know. One thing's for sure: those who are waiting for their men to take the "I Love You" leap of faith must first determine if the man is worth the wait. Those whose impatience gets the best of them risk pushing their men into an ultimatum they may not be ready to face.

It's so hard to wait for something we really want. (Just ask my 9 yr. old, whose Christmas list just keeps getting longer. lol) Things that come too easily are not as deeply appreciated. Remember, if a man said "I love you" TOO easily, we would be suspisious of that, too! I confes that I said the words first, too. But in my case, I got the same back in return, so I can't relate to those who pine for the day when they hear those precious words. I'm not sure I could be as patient as some of you who wait. You have my admiration!

I truly believe that a mature man (not only in age but life experience, as well as inner maturity) doesn't say ILY unless or until he can back up his mouth with actions. Saying ILY is not something a mature man takes lightly. He knows the significance not only of the words themselves, but everything behind them, i.e., commitment. Commitment is a BIG thing for most men. They know it is life-changing, as it changes the dynamics of a relationship from casual to deeply involved. It means planning a future, respecting his love's needs and views, and sharing his heart and soul, faults and all. It means accepting what he cannot change, and having the courage to face whatever may come. It is risky because most mature men enjoy control, yet since they cannot see the future, it's like a leap off a bridge for them....a leap of faith.

Most mature men will not say ILY just because they know their love wants to hear those words. Being that commitment is attached to uttering those words, he thinks looong and hard before saying them, for all the reasons heretofore mentioned.Now...add the fact that said man is a widower, and saying ILY takes on a whole different realm of significance: It means setting the past in its proper place, once and for all. It is a casting-off of all things formerly familiar, and accepting that something new (yet still wonderful!) is about to happen. It means overcoming all the guilt feelings that normally and usually accompany loving again after loss. It means overcoming any fear of losing someone else (you!) to death once again. It means working out the delicate dance of loving the LW AND a new love at the same time. It means giving up his comfort zone of post-grief that he has worked so hard to achieve for himself by making room for new love and the new life that comes with her. It means juggling the emotions and attitudes of friends and family who knew and loved the LW. But most of all, saying ILY means he is ready...to commit, to live again, and to love again with his whole, healed heart.

Some men are reluctant to say the words until they are confident that they will hear them in return. Women are like that, too! But because men are not really good at expressing themselves emotionally BEFORE those three little words are uttered, women tend to have the harder job of saying it first because they don't have much "prior knowledge" to feed their confidence about hearing it back. In that respect, men would be wise to at least allude to the fact that they are in love, that the women he love sis #1 in his heart and the center of his universe - barring all others - and that the he sees a future with her.

I think we women can learn a lot from mature men in this respect. We ladies tend to burst forth with ILYs based on sheer emotion, sometimes without really thinking it through. Sometimes, women manipulate men with those words by going on a fishing expedition, hoping to hear the same in return, and are disappointed when they aren't. Some women I know can make a go out of loving ANY ol' man who comes along and gives them a wink, because it is easy for them to live with (or overlook) the man's major faults, or because they are afraid of being alone.

Don't get me wrong. For MOST women, saying ILY is just as significant, but I truly believe there is a vast difference between the sexes in one main respect: when a woman says ILY, she is, first and foremost, expressing emotion/feelings. When a man says it, he has done a great deal of soul-searching prior to saying it, and when he does finally say it, he is expressing not only emotion, but also his depth of commitment to the woman AND to the future. Knowing this, hearing ILY from the man you love is truly a gift unlike no other.

I find it interesting that we women need to hear those words so badly when we KNOW in our heart of hearts that the men we love DO love us, even if they don't say it. We know the sun will rise tomorrow, but do we constantly need to hear from the weatherman that this is true? Sure, an inexperienvced child needs to be verbally reminded that the stove is HOT and may hurt her, but grown-ups know from experience and maturity that the stove is hot. I never heard my father utter the words "I love you" to my mother in the 50+ years they were married, but there was and is nooo doubt in my mind that they love/loved each other deeply. How can we, as grown women, need soooo much verbal affirmation, when instead, we should be relying on our wisdom and life experience to affirm to OURSELVES that these men love us, instead of constantly seeking approval from said men?!

Faith is believing in things unseen, yet felt. Where is your faith in your self, your relationship, and your men? Is the verbal affirmation of his love MORE important that his ACTS of love? The constant need for verbal affirmation of love sometimes masks a deeper need to feel worthy of that love. To feel worthy of love, you only need to look in the mirror, ladies. You ARE worthy. You ARE loved!

I think it's fine if a woman can live without hearing ILY, so long as she is SHOWN love. That it works for both you and your W means your relationship is cemented by equitable agreement, i.e., neither one of you feels either is missing out on anything by not hearing those words. However, many women - myself included - DO have a need to not only be shown love but also HEAR those three little words from the men we love. "Actions speak louder than words" is fine...as long as both people embrace this as a life motto. However, when one person from the couple feels slighted because their need to hear ILY is so strong, a problem arises that needs addressing.

There IS no "right or wrong" regarding our personal needs when it comes to relationships. Needs are needs - personal and unique to each individual person. Some people need affection, while others are uncomfortable with it. Some people need sappy greeting cards to commemorate every holiday, birthday, and anniversary, while others are fine with less materialistic acknowledgements of loving feelings. The point is, none of us should have to feel guilty about having needs, and no one should have to explain why they do or do not have them. I respect other people's needs, even though I may not understand them, and especially if they differ greatly from my own. Doesn't that essentially define the word "tolerance"...something this world could use a lot more of?

Thus, those who may judge, laugh at, or otherwise minimize my personal need to hear those three little words from my husband aren't even worthy of consideration in my book since they're not me and couldn't possibly understand my intimately personal choices....just as I could not possibly understand theirs. Whatever works for a relationship in the "ILY" department may be fine for one particular couple, but may not be for another. Relationships work best when both people MUTUALLY agree on any issue as it pertains to their relationship. C'est la vie!! :)

Communicating WOW/GOW Issues Using The Three Cs

2009-10-16T10:46:00.004-04:00

Many GOWs/WOWs are hesitant to discuss their needs and issues with their Ws for a variety of reasons. Some feel their Ws already have enough to worry/think/grieve about, so why add to his burdens? Others dare not upset the delicate balance of peace they have worked so hard to achieve within their relationships, so why risk "fixing something that ain't broken"? Still others are just so used to walking on eggshells around their Ws' grief needs - while putting their own needs on the back burner - that they cannot even fathom asking their Ws to talk about the thousands of LW pictures around the house, her clothes still hanging in their closet, or her toxic relatives. To these GOWs/WOWs, discussing such things would appear selfish, demanding, or otherwise insensitive to their poor Ws and the grief journey itself.

Balderdash!

Quieting a need and burying it deep inside does nothing to fix it. In fact, the very act of pushing your needs and issues aside for whatever reason breeds resentment against the one person whom you want to understand you. Exposing a negative need or issue to the light by airing it out is the only way to turn it into a positive.

Mood is important, so I advise against airing issues in the heat of anger, or at at time of a W's grief episode/trigger. To have a truly productive discussion, timing is everything. Having a chat right before bedtime, especially when a man is exhausted from a hard day's work, is not going to be very productive. Location is also key: I wouldn't recommend having a discussion in a public place or someone else's home. Once you have the right mood, atmosphere, place, and time, you have to express your message in such a way that it will be received with the same sensitivity as you deliver it, so that it will be heard and understood.

The keys to the successful delivery of your message lie within what I call The Three Cs: communication, cooperation, and compromise.

The first "C" - Communication - is about the shared experience of discussing one topic. It is not about one person hopping on their personal soapbox and giving an oration. Communication requires equality. It is about both parties participating in a give-and-take form of discussion. Communicating your GOW/WOW need or issue to your W is not about declaring what upsets you and then leaving it up to him to figure out a solution. It is about opening the doors of opportunity - the opportunity to grow your relationship through mutual understanding. It is about making yourself clear enough to be understood. This is no time to be vague. You have to summon all the courage you can, and state your feelings, not the issue itself. Instead of stating, "You still wear your LW's wedding ring and that's just wrong!" you want to address how it makes you FEEL by using "I" statements, such as "I feel sad when I see you wearing your LW's wedding ring, and it makes me feel second best in your heart." Using "you" statements, such as "You make me feel like second best by wearing your LW's wedding ring!" is not productive and will only put your W on the defensive. It's amazing how the DELIVERY of a message makes all the difference!

The second "C" - Cooperation - is about entering into a discussion with the intent to work together towards a solution. You MUST decide, prior to a discussion, that your sole purpose for communicating your needs and issues is mutual understanding for the health of your relationship. Thus, using ultimatums is no way to earn your partner's cooperation. Saying "Take that wedding ring off right now or else I'm outta here!" may be what you truly feel when you are hurt, but maturity dictates that you instead go to your partner with a positive attitude and agree to work WITH him, not against him. Cooperation is also about listening as well as talking. When you communicate, it's not all about you, but it's not all about him, either. You each have an equal opportunity to express yourselves. In an ideal discussion, one person has the "floor", while the other listens without interruption. When that person is done, then the other person can have the floor...and so on.

Once you have communicated your issue, and you each have cooperated by patiently listening to each other without interruption, knowing the purpose of your discussion is a positive, productive way to get to a solution, the next step is the last "C" - Compromise.

Compromise is also a give-and-take action. In fact, it is THE ULTIMATE give-and-take, because you EACH have to give a little to get a little. Compromise means you aren't going to get everything you hoped for, but you'll get something you can live with. For example, using the same issue illustration of a W wearing his LW's wedding ring, you might arrive at a compromise wherein the W gets to keep it, but agrees to put it in a place where you do not have to see it constantly on his finger, perhaps in a special jewelry box or a safe deposit box at your local bank. He has to give up wearing it, but gets to keep it. YOU get the satisfaction of not having to see it on his finger all the time, but you have to give him the choice about what to do with it after it comes off his finger. I believe this compromise is one both parties can live with.

By using The Three Cs, the couple in the illustration arrive at a solution that is satisfactory to both. But best of all, they do so with their relationship intact, without resentment, and with a deeper respect for the other's ability to speak up, listen sensitively, and work positively in a healthy atmosphere of loving kindness.

The GOW Filter

2009-08-21T12:16:00.002-04:00

Some people believe that any woman who would date or fall in love with a Widower (W) must have low self esteem. It's not that GOWs (Girlfriends Of Widowwers) who choose to continue relationships with a still-grieving Ws don't possess self-preservation skills, or that they are somehow "lacking" important character traits. On the contrary, these GOWs are to be applauded for their extraordinary tenacity, perseverence, patience, compassion, and strength!

Alas, society doesn't take kindly to the GOW - it already views her as "less than": she is simply a pale substitute for the LW...a curiosity...an interloper...someone riding on the coattails of the dearly departed...who doesn't have a lick of self-esteem or she wouldn't be persuing and enduring what society views as a hopeless cause. Society...is ignorant! And therein lies the amazing difference between a GOW and those less educated about grief: The GOW makes it her mission to really understand grief, as she knows early on in the relationship that grief will be a part of it to some extent. In doing her grief homework, she learns coping/communication/compromise/survival skills. She brings into the relationship with a W her own previously-defined set of personal boundaries, and coupled with her wisdom gained from life experience and past relationships, plus her growing knowledge of grief, she utilizes all this information to become the woman of excellence in the W's life.

Naturally, all women have what they define for themselves as "dealbreakers". But most of those are based on actions or behaviours she can or cannot tolerate in a MAN, not a widower. For example, I would never tolerate cheating. That is MY dealbreaker. But the behaviour of infidelity is more closely based on a human character flaw and not a W disposition. What I am trying to say is that when it comes to "dealbreakers", GOWs need to be sure that the character flaw or behaviour in question is more related to W being human and not based on a natural byproduct of his grief. To do this, she needs to call upon her grief knowledge to discern the difference between a behaviour that is either grief-motivated or man-defined....or a combination of both...W cheats on GOW? Dealbreaker! W abuses GOW? Dealbreaker! W hides GOW from his friends becasue he is afraid of what they might think of him dating so soon after LW's death? Hmm....that's a combination or man-defined (human character flaw) and grief-motivated, and may or may not be a dealbreaker, depending on other circumstances and information. One isolated incident of boyfriend idiocy should not, in my opinion, be grounds for dismissal. It'd be easy for society to scream "Dump the W!" for one incident because, as previously mentioned, society is ignorant about grief..and when a GOW does NOT react the way a grief-ignorant society expects, she is unfairly labeled a doormat and judged as an idiot herself!

Those of us on the "inside" of grief, whether via personal experience, research, or intimate relationship, are less apt to react in kneejerk fashion when a W exhibits confusing behaviour. After filtering his behaviours through the grief filter a GOW has carefully developed, then and only then can she determine if said behaviour is a dealbreaker or, instead, a time for patience and communication. This filter helps steer a GOW towards better decisions regarding both her relationship with a W AND her sense of self-preservation.

Is A Widower "A Good Catch"?

2009-08-09T14:35:00.002-04:00

As the wife of a former widower, I feel very blessed to be married to a man who knows how to make a marriage work. After all, he has a proven record of commitment. Wives of widowers (or WOWs, as I call them) are also fortunate in another respect: they are married to men who can love with all their hearts because these men know, from experience, that there IS a beautiful rainbow after every dark storm.

A widower is a man who has learned the hard way to embrace life, appreciate all it offers, and live it to the fullest, since he knows life can be short and time is fleeting. In his mind, he had the best marriage once, and he won’t settle for anything less the second time around, either! WOWs should consider themselves complimented!

I am often asked if part of my romantic interest in or attraction to my husband was related to his marital status. Perhaps it did—indirectly. It caused me to be more empathetic early in our relationship, which encouraged our budding friendship to blossom into love. But more often than not, the hidden meaning behind the question is, did I feel that I had something to gain, emotionally speaking, from his being a widower? Yes, and here’s why: My husband’s late wife died of cancer a year after her diagnosis. For a good part of the year prior to her eventual and inevitable death, he was her caretaker. Hollywood enjoys romanticizing this supreme sacrifice by portraying the selfless widower-to-be in movies as his dying spouse’s hero. His nurturing her until her last breath in his arms is both moving and touching, epic in its surrealism and in the emotional payoff at the box office. In reality, my husband did what he felt was appropriate and right as his wife’s husband. He took his “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” marriage vows very seriously. In short, he did what needed to be done, one day at a time, out of love and not to be a hero.

A widower who was his late wife’s caretaker is more often than not a man who has seen the ugly side of life, and still finds life beautiful. He knows what inner strength is all about, has had his resolved tested, and has passed with flying colors. He stands as a true symbol of commitment, for he is honorable in having respected the meaning of the word. He knows there is no obstacle that love and faith cannot overcome, as he makes his way through the valley of the shadow of death and into the light of bereavement recovery.

I believe because my husband lost a wife prior to marrying me, he was changed by the whole experience in many distinct ways. He has learned to be more sacrificing, more appreciative of what he has, and definitely more caring and less selfish. He is also more acutely sensitive to his family’s needs, and has a more profound sense of what “family” is really all about. The experience of loss has taught him that life cannot be taken for granted.

Had he not endured this great loss, perhaps he would be much less introspective, less empathic, less tender, and much more limited in every direction of his emotional spectrum. But now, he has this unbelievably mature perspective that life is all about change, and change equals growth. It’s an ironic truth in life that growth and love come from great pain and tragedy. In other words, how do we define “sweet” if we have never tasted “sour”? Who better than a widower to model this?

Perhaps I would not have been attracted to my husband as the person he was before his late wife passed away, considering how much he HAS grown and changed because of the loss. Those changes are beneficial to both the widower and his second wife because they are what build character traits that help us evolve into two people who are perfect for each other. If the old adage “All things, good and bad, happen for a reason” is true, then perhaps in order for him to be the perfect match for me, he first had to evolve into the man I fell in love with. To do that, he had to go through all the life experiences - the good, the bad, and the ugly - that made him who he is today.

People sometimes ask me, “Would you date a widower again, knowing what you know now about being a WOW?” I always respond positively. Our marriage is not defined by his loss and occasional bouts of sadness relating to grief any more than it is defined by my occasional bouts of feeling that second wife equals second best. We are simply a married couple, comprised of two individuals with unique life experiences. A widower is a good catch for any woman who understands that life is about enjoying the reality of the present and the dreams of the future while not allowing the past to interfere with either.

~~Copyright 2009 Julie Donner Andersen. All rights reserved. Reprints and excerpts only with prior written permission of author.

The Three Types Of GOWs: Which One Are YOU?

2009-07-26T23:45:00.003-04:00

In my 12 years of dealing with GOW/W relationships, I have come to the conclusion that there are three types of GOWs:

1.) The first type of GOW I like to call "The Spy". She sniffs around for every detail of LW's life: who she was, what she was like, what W's marriage to her was like, what did she looked like, what her personality like, what shoe size LW wore, how she was in bed, etc....ad nauseum. This kind of GOW is fishing for info in order to "size up the competition". She doesn't really want to "know" LW in order to embarce her; rather, she wants to know that she (the GOW) is somehow BETTER than LW, and is looking for comparisons where she can "best" LW. This type of GOW has probably always had trust issues, and comes across as insecure, needing to be constantly reassured of her W's love. She whines and moans constantly about feeling "second best" in W's heart because she is not secure and confident about the woman SHE is, so how can she believe W when he tries to tell her - over and over again - that he indeed loves her? This type of GOW claims W as her territory and becomes very territorial in her behaviour - and God help anyone who trespasses, including old friends and family of LW. This GOW will not and does not tolerate ANY discussion of the past. She CLAIMS it's because "the past no longer matters - we live in the present", but in reality, she is scared to death that any reminder of the past might result in her losing the man she loves, or that she just might pale in comparison.

2.) The second type of GOW is what I call "The Grief Therapist". She is waaay too understanding about W's grief episodes (AKA: "fits and starts" - where he's happily committed one day, breaking up with her the next, and back again). She can't tell the difference between normal "guy behaviour" and what constitutes normal grief behaviour, so to play it safe, she blames all his nonsense on his being a widower, thus excusing him every time he hurts her feelings. This type of GOW puts her own needs on the back burner in order to serve his grief needs, yet resents doing so very much.

There are two divisions of Grief Therapist:

~One is benevolent and truly feels that sacrificing her own needs, and not communicating them, serves "the greater good" of the relationship. She is happy to serve, and gets a great deal of self-esteem out of being the eternal martyr.

~The other will never complain, and will often stretch the truth of her relationship, sugar-coating it because she enjoys "keeping up appearances" of happiness since she rather likes being viewed as the heroine in the story of W's life. I feel for this type because she is spinning her wheels and getting nowhere fast. Her relationship is at a standstill. It can't move froward without communication of her needs, yet she's stuck and doesn't know how to get out of this pretty little grave she's dug herself into. What is pathetic about this type of GOW is that her relationship with W - and W himself - often suffers from all her selfess "grief therapy". Her benevolence often feeds W's ever-present guilt to the point of being burdensome, and when he breaks up with her because of it, she is at a loss to explain why.

3.) The third type of GOW is what I call "The Combo". She is a bit of Numbers 1 and 2, but more often than not, she is more of a realist. This type of GOW has the benefit of life experience. She is older, wiser, and has had a lifetime of perfecting other relatinships, so she brings to the table a great guidebook of life lessons she can use to navigate the waters with W.

Combo GOW wants to be patient and tries very hard to be, but she tires easily of holding onto hope when there are no guarantees that her patience will pay off for her. She is fairly good at communicating her needs, but she is easily frustrated when HIS seem so insurmountable. She trusts W's declarations of love, but sometimes, when the chips are down, she worries a bit that she'll never be good enough - or as good as LW.

The Combo GOW makes room for everyone in W's life: his children, his LWs family, and his own family. In her mind, the more people in their relationship to love, the better. She is tireless when she works to blend her family with his. She is present-grounded and future-sighted, juggling the needs and wants of all involved, yet allowing for her own needs to be met. She understands that W's children and/or former in-laws may not accept her at first beucase she truly understaands the grief process and does not blame them. In fact, she has a great deal of compassion for their grief, and lovingly steps aside to allow it to run its course, just being confident in herself until such time as they come to accept her.

The Combo GOW has an uncanny ability to anticipate W's moods, often beating him to the punch before he even has a chance to explain his grief triggers. She allows for dischord, yet believes in the power of herSELF, as well as the strength of her love for W, to get through the tough times. She is confident yet not demanding, and she is careful not to get too big-headed about her relationship because she has done the research and knows that a perfect relationship with a W is often defined as a one-day-at-a-time, "as good as it gets" kind of relationship. She is open-minded about latent grief, and is willing to go with the flow through the changes that happen to her W and the relationship.

The Combo GOW is not threatened by LW or her memory. She acknowledges W's love for LW, and is grateful to LW for helping to make W the man she loves, yet she is wise enough not to allow the past to invade the present. She knows how to draw a fair boundary line between what about the past is OK to bring into the present, and how much of it can be allowed into the future without taking anything away from herself or her relationship. She is fearlessly unafraid of talking about her needs with W, and expects his compassion and his listening ear as much as she gives the same to him.

Keep in mind that, for ALL 3 types of GOWs, there is a type of W to go along with each:

1.) The Spy GOW often has a W who wallows in self-pity, is immobile about his own grief healing, is often in denial about his grief, and, more often than not, is using the GOW to avoid doing the necessary grief work. Grief NEEDS to be selfish in order to work through it, yet the W who dates The Spy GOW's W is TOO selfish to address HER needs. He is too self-centered to see how her digging for information about LW is not a good thing. He then willingly gives her all the information she needs because he is soo happy to be able to talk about LW, yet he does so to his own disadvantage. The individuals in this couple are both users, and they eventually suck the life out of each other until the relationship dies on the vine. If they do manage to hang onto each other somehow, there is always an undercurrent of resentment on one or both of their parts. Since they suck at REAL communication, and are too selfish for cooperation and compromise, they take whatever they need from each other and feel like they've settled for less than they deserve.

2.) The Grief Enabler's widower is happy to wear the GOW's rose-coloured glasses and play along with her charade because doing so distracts him from his pain as well as his grief work. The Grief Therapist's widower takes full advantage of her selflessness. However, sooner or later, the grief he has been denying comes back with a vengeance, and instead of being honest with her and risk hurting this amazingly patient and caring woman, he either stays stuck in a grief stage until it consumes him to the point of breaking, or he simply stays with her out of pity, need, or fear, and remains grief-stricken and guilt-ridden while the relationship stands still and suffers from lack of growth.

3.) The Combo GOW's widower knows he has a good thing, but is careful not to let his own needs overshadow his GOW's needs. He is CONSTANTLY aware of his GOW's feelings and is a willing participant in honest communication about touchy subjects. If she says she is uncomfortable with LW discussions, LW pictures, or LW stuff, he is mindful to be respectful of her needs, knowing that she isn't being unreasonable. He is open-minded about her gentle suggestions for moving forward. If he disagress with her, he trusts her enough to communicate with her, knowing she will be receptive to his thoughts and willing to compromise. There isn't much they can't tackle together, and with their maturity, ease of communication, cooperative selflessness, and committment to compromise, they are the most successful pairing of GOW and W.

When the GOW/WOW Compares Herself to the Sainted LW

2009-07-08T12:58:00.002-04:00

I believe it's absolutely normal for a GOW/WOW to fine some kind of satisfaction, even comfort, in discovering LW's faults and flaws.

When it's W himself who offers these tidbits of truth, he is, in effect, completing a grief stage: acceptance. Where once he held LW on a pedestal of perfection, time has healed his heart to the point where he can now put LW's memory in perspective. In most cases, admitting openly that LW had flaws doesn't mean he regrets his marriage, or that LW went from angel to total b*tch overnight. It simply means that he has come to a point along his grief journey where he has processed her loss rationally instead of irrationally.

Should Ws be aware that GOWs/WOWs are bothered by hearing that W/LW marriages were happy? Not unless the GOW/WOW tells him so! And until that time, I believe Ws will tell the unvarnished truth because they consider their happy marriages to be a sign of good character. Thus, does sharing information about the happy state of his marriage to LW make him an insensitve clod? I don't believe so. Instead, it makes him an honest person with a great resume of marriage experience.

Ws who only have nice things to say about their LWs aren't always stuck in grief. They may just be the kind, gentlemen-ly type who never say a bad word about ANYone, and they prefer not to speak ill of the dead. Hubs has never said a bad thing about LW to me, except that she wasn't perfect. Fine by me, because I KNOW she wasn't perfect, and that's not based on anything negative anyone has told me. It's just that I know human beings are imperfect and there is no such thing as a Super Woman.

The danger in a GOW taking LW's admitted flaws/faults and judging LW as "bad" - just to make herself feel better - is that doing so can come back to bite her. When W has heard enough LW-knocking (even if he agress with what is being said about her faults - and even if HE was the one who confessed them), he will resent having shared such intimate secrets about her flaws in the first place - or start to feel guilty about doing so - when he knows deep inside she wasn't ALL bad, and that their marriages indeed had moments to cherish. Divorcees are often dealt this kind of judgement when others ask them, "How could you have stayed with such a monster for so long?" First of all, it makes the divorcee feel stupid, and everyone can relate to resenting a person who judges us as foolish. Secondly, every divorcee will tell you that there WERE some marital highlights, happy times, and positive affirmations within the marriage's duration (and enough good things within their exes) they will always treasure...and grieve the loss of.Thus, while it's true that some Ws had unhealthy marriages to their LWs, be forewarned that even those marriages (and the less-than-stellar LWs) will still be grieved as a loss. This kind of grief is jammed-packed full of guilt and resentment, leaving these kinds of Ws very trepidacious about committment, much less remarrying. More often than not, it is these kinds of Ws who take longer to come full circle in their recovery....and can be "the toughest nut to crack" for a GOW.

I think it's easier to make those LW comparisons when the Ws in question are being dunderheaded about letting go and moving on. It leaves a GOW wondering, "What's wrong with ME? Why am I not good enough? What makes HER rate a higher seat on his priority list than ME?" and blame her for him dragging his feet, when the important question should be, "What's wrong with HIM?!" It's easy to have ill feelings for someone who you feel is stealing your thunder. But it's not her fault that he loved her.

Ws need to be able to come to a point at the end of their bereavement recovery when they can finally let go. It is the last, and hardest, step to healing. At this final stage, the W learns to manage his grief, put the past where it belongs, and embrace the present and future. This is not to say that he stops loving LW. He won't. Most never will. There will always be a place in his heart for her. But in putting the past where it belongs, a W releases its hold on him for good.

Normal as it is to do "the superiority dance" (a la "Church Lady" from old Saturday Night Live episodes...lol) when LW's faults/flaws are laid bare, as I have stated many times, normal does not always equal productive. LW's faults/flaws are only part and parcel of the human being W loved (or once loved). She wasn't perfect, but she wasn't a total write-off, either. There was SOMEthing good about her or SOME payoff of their marriage that kept W hanging in there. It is always disasterous when human beings take an "either/or" stance on their acceptance of other human beings. No one is absolutely, 100% bad or good. We ALL have good, and we ALL have flaws.

Needing a yardstick (the LW) against which you measure your own self worth in W's heart is a true sign of a dangerously low self-esteem. Working on THAT is how you can overcome feeling like "second best".

Trying to find ways to feel superior to the LW, while initially normal for GOWs/WOWs, is unproductive to say the least. No matter how you add it up, these small victories never end up being the real reasons why W loves you for who YOU are. We need to embrace the fact that who and what we are, however similar or different from the LWs, is what truly matters.

The sad reality is, many women with insecurity issues will battle them even harder when they start dating a W.

You have to start believing that what you offer to W is what he wants and needs, to hell with what anyone else thinks, and remember that itis BECAUSE he lost a LW that he is the man for you. He has evolved, grown, and matured. The experience of losing a spouse changes a person, and he is changed....so much so that he has become the perfect fit for YOU!

Obsessing over LW, either positively or negatively, takes up waaay too much time and energy that would be better spent embracing the present and choosing to be happy despite the past. She was his perfect match back then. *I* am his perfect match now, because he is no longer the man from the past - he has changed, evolved, grown, matured, and learned that life is fragile so you gotta embrace it with GUSTO and CHOOSE to be happy in the "here and now."

The simple truth is this: He loved her. Loved = past tense. He can love the MEMORY of her, but she's not here anymore for him to love with a passion reserved for the living. He loves you. Loves = present tense. YOU are the real, living, breathing embodiment of his present feelings. He will contine to love you. Will love = future tense. One cannot build a future on memories.

So, too, must a GOW come to a final stage of acceptance. in order for the relationship to thrive, she must embrace her own autonomous significance in the W's life, and stop allowing the past to interfere with the present.....and that means: stop allowing LW, her memory, and her perceived yet illusional perfection interfere with your choice to be happy!!

Whether W and LW were blissfully happy or miserably connected, it matters little in the here and now. It is the present and future we as GOWs/WOWs need to be focussed on and concerned with, not the past. Start today to uplift your self esteem. Embrace who you are and what you mean to your W. It's real, it's permanent, and it's packed with hope for everywaking moment. Don't waste any more precious time you COULD be spending in a peaceful, fulfilling relationship by allowing the past to suffocate your self worth. If you weren't worthy, he wouldn't have chosen you. But you ARE worthy! He could have spent the remainder of his years alone with his memories, but God bless him, he had the strength, the fortitude, and the will to push himself beyond his grief to appreciate the gift of love you bring. He's awesome..YOU'RE awesome...LIFE is awesome! Enjoy it! Embrace it! Happiness is a choice....so BE happy!!

First of all, stop feeling guilty about feeling happy that LW was not perfect. It's human, and very common and normal for GOWs and WOWs to feel relieved when they hear bad things about LW. It makes HER appear more human - not the perfect angel we have been lead to believe by W, her family, their friends, or all three.

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: what you are feeling in regard to LW comparisons is NORMAL for a GOW! Thus, I validate your normalness. However, when all is said and done, it matters NOT what other people think - it matters what W thinks, and if he perceives LW as perfect, then the bad stuff other people say isn't going to make much difference.

We cannot be satisfied to remain validated when we know deep inside that it is unproductive and gets us nowhere. DEALING with negative, non-productive, kneejerk reactions - however normal they may be - is what matures us and helps us grow as individuals, which can only help our relationships thrive. Acknowledging WHERE the insecurity that leads to the comparisons comes from is an important first step....but it's not the last.

I have battled the demons of low self-esteem my whole life. But I had a choice: I could either be satisfied with the validation of my stinky past and thus, be condemned to wallow in it unproductively.....OR....I could rise above it, learn to like myself and project that likeability onto others, and deal with my trust issues so that I wouldn't miss out on the joys of life. And missing out on those joys is exactly what I fear may happen to you if you don't start today to move beyond validation and start taking the leaps of faith - in yourself and others - so you can lead a full and happy life, free from comparisons.

Those "Other" WOW/GOW Sites and So-Called "Experts"

2009-07-02T01:23:00.002-04:00

Recently, I received an e-mail from a GOW who was totally disturbed by the lack of support and encouragement she received when she posted her GOW issue on a different kind of WOW/GOW site (not my site). In her words: "One blog owner advised that if my W were really over his LW and ready to move on with life, then he should have no problem with my issue. Another one told me to just get over it as I had him now and she was dead."

How truly sad, misinformed, and misguided these other so-called "experts" are.

There is a reason why I call my forum “The Official WOW/GOW Message Board” (and yes, it’s copyrighted!): because there is not another one like it in cyberspace! No other board is run by a GOW/WOW who has not only had a book published on the subject, but has had over a decade of grief counselling and bereavement recovery experience. Not to boast, but I bring to my board both personal AND professional experience. That being said, the “other” boards/blogs/forums really irritate me because they tend to be non-productive, non-supportive, and definitely short sighted and lacking in real expertise.

One such forum that really burns me up is run by a widower who thinks he can counsel GOWs and WOWs just because he remarried and wrote a book about it! Puh-lease…give me strength! Most of the time, when a GOW or WOW posts her issues to his blog, he minimizes her feelings and just tells her to shove off, get away from W, dump him, and move on. But when a GOW or WOW has invested much of herself, her love, her hopes, her dreams, and yes, her life to the relationship, these harsh words do mor eharm than good...and it's time to set the record straight.

Lest anyone think I am posting this blog because I am competitive, jealous, or feel threatened by the aforementioned "other" forums, let me state for the record the following: I have NEVER tried to steer my board members away from something besides me and/or my book if I thought it'd be helpful to them. In fact, I would search (and have searched) heaven and earth for ANY good literature for them IF I thought it would help them. And if I thought for one minute that these other forums were truly beneficial, I would post the web address for all to see and visit.

However, I am of the opinion that those who have never walked in GOW or WOW shoes have no business advising those who do. It'd be like a man advising a woman about childbirth: sure, he might know the mechancics, the medical facts, and process from start to finish. But he would NEVER be able to advise her as to how it FEELS, emotionally speaking, to birth a child and/or be a mother because, simply put, he is not a woman, and thus, has never personally experienced birth!

Therefore, ladies, be careful "out there" in cyberspace. Thanks to POD publishing technology, ANYONE can write a book....but that doesn't always mean they have the experience or expertise to back it up. Do yourselves a favour and think twice before "nodding and smiling" for any cyberspace "expert" who lacks the credentials and experience necessary to validate you as you journey along as a GOW/WOW. Anyone can throw together a website these days and claim to be an "expert", so don;t be intimidated! Do your research and ask questions before baring your soul to someone who has never worn your moccasins, lest you find yourselves mislead or, worse, discouraged.

The "Perfect" Late Wife (LW)?

2009-06-25T09:07:00.001-04:00

Dating a "Virgin" Widower

2009-06-02T09:26:00.001-04:00

I always feel bad for the first GOW to come into a W's life. She becomes the proving ground; the waters that W tests before he jumps into the proverbial relationship-after-LW pool; the one on whom the W cuts his relationship teeth. For many Ws, it has been years if not decades since they've been with any woman besides their LWs. These Ws have spent those years honing their marriages, getting to know ONE woman's personality, fine-tuning their responses and sensitivities to suit only HER. Then they try out the very same stuff on a new woman, and are befuddled as to why the stuff that worked when it came to LW isn't making any headway with the new GOW! These "virgin" Ws must think all women are alike, and that using their one-size-fits-all relationship tactics will work on all women since they worked with their LWs. Wrong! Since all people are different, why would their LW experiences even come close to working with the new GOW? Sure, some things SHOULD remain the same: men should alweays treat women with resect and be gentlemen. But I'm talking about those virgin Ws who, in their first real relationships since their LWs died, tend to stumble along like clods...until they realize they cannot and should not treat the new GOW exactly as they did the LW.

A poor newbie GOW has an unenviable position with a virgin W. As his "first" since LW, the new GOW wears many hats: she is a teacher; the one who, as described above, patiently instructs him in proper post-LW relationship behaviour. She is a mother; the one who gently soothes his aching heart with her love. She is a nurse; the one who tends his inner wounds, all the while trying not to become too personally involved (but failing) so his pain will not become her own. She is a therapist; the one who listens sympathetically and patiently as he works through his grief. She is an engineer; the one who systematically works out a plan for their future together, using every conceivable force in nature to move him gently onward and forward. She is overworked, underpaid, and hardly appreciated. Is it any wonder she is exhausted and constantly worrying about her "job security" - where she personally fits into virgin W's heart?

Ah, but then she remembers her "benefits package"! Virgin W is hard work, to be sure, but there ARE perks. Were it not for these perks, new GOW just might start looking for another job. Instead, she remains steadast and devoted, hoping the pay-off for her efforts will be the brass...er, diamond....ring: that wonderful pre-retirement bonus of having helped to invent a new man from a formerly hopeless one; a man who has learned that the past is indeed the past and that the present and future CAN be more wonderful, thanks to the GOW.

And yet, so many GOWs bail out before they reach the pay-off, and I can't blame them. It's only human to think, "There must be an easier job than this!" and worrying she'll never reach retirement age and that golden handshake!! However, their efforts never die in vain. The next GOW to come along enjoys the benefits of the first GOW's hard work. Thus, the first GOWs last hat must be that of a writer: one who scribes onto virgin W's heart those words that make him think, motivate him to change, and inspire him to do so. It's all any writer can ask. ;)

Are You A "Grief Enabler"?

2009-05-15T11:35:00.000-04:00

Recently, I received an e-mail from a GOW (Girlfriend Of a Widower) who wondered if being “the patient grief therapist” was only enabling her widowed boyfriend’s grief or perhaps retarding his bereavement recovery in some way. “Am I an unwitting enabler?” she asked.

Many medical dictionaries define an enabler as follows:

“Family member or significant person in an alcoholic's or drug addict's life that contributes to the afflicted person's continued use and abuse of the substance. Examples of enabling include making excuses for the afflicted person and/or supplying the person with the alcohol or drug.”

With a few word substitutions, the aforementioned quotes could be describing a GOW or a WOW (Wife Of a Widower) who is either actively or passively, out of the goodness of her heart and with good intentions, enabling her widower’s grief by being compassionate, patient, or simply unquestioning about his bereavement journey:

“Family member or significant person in a widower’s life that contributes to the widower’s continued grief. Examples of enabling include making excuses for the widower and/or supplying the person with so much understanding and patience that he develops more reasons to grieve.”

Famous drug and alcohol rehabilitation therapist, psychotherapist, clinical hypnotherapist, group therapy facilitator, and life, business & spiritual coach Dr. Jannette Robert Murray of Spokane, Washington concludes:

“Any time you assist/allow another person to continue in their unproductive/unhealthy/addictive behavior, whether actively or passively, you are enabling! So even when you say nothing (such as ‘minding your own business’), you are enabling the behavior to continue. Sometimes you say nothing out of fear — fear of reprisal, fear of the other person hating/hurting/not liking you; or fear of butting in where you don’t think you belong.”

In a love relationship with a widower, YOU are an integral part of the coupling. His feelings are important, and as such, become your business as well. Alas, fear of his negative reaction to their questions is the major reason why some GOWs/WOWs have shied away from discussing their widowers’ grief with their men.

The therapist continues: “Sometimes enabling takes the form of doing something for another that they should do for themselves. Rather than recognizing there is a problem, the addict assumes a fighting mode – a “fight or flight” reaction - rather than taking responsibility for correcting the situation in a healthy way.”

This is true of a widower who, after initially proclaiming his feelings for his new love, inexplicably backs out of the relationship.

Most if not all WOWs/GOWs want to assist their widowed men in their bereavement recovery. It is a natural, human reaction to want to aid the hurting person you love. But where does a GOW/WOW draw the line between being a healthy helpmate and a grief enabler? And how does one distinguish between the two?

To gauge whether or not you are a grief enabler, you must first answer the following questions:

~Are you afraid to discuss your widower’s grief with him?
~Has your widower ever angrily dismissed your questions about his grief feelings and refused to discuss them with you?
~Are you an insecure person whose recent relationship with a widower has lowered your sense of self-esteem even further?
~Do you feel secure in this relationship, or does his grief threaten your sense of relationship security?
~Do you resent having allowed your widower to discuss his late wife/previous marriage/grief feelings to the extent that you have concluded he may never have a healthy relationship with you?
~Do you feel that you have been too understanding; that your compassionate response to his grief may be hindering his recovery?
~ Have you made excuses to others – or yourself - about your widower’s grief?
~Do you get satisfaction from being the compassionate martyr in this relationship?
~ Can you imagine a relationship with your widower that does not include grief?
~Do you have a need for power/control in your relationship that you feel will give you power/control over your fear?

As you will see, some of these questions address the GOW’s or WOW’s sense of self-esteem prior to the relationship with the widower. The reason for this is because most enablers react out of their own low self-esteem. Their past life experiences have not gained for them the ability to say no, draw boundary lines, or assert themselves without fear of losing the love or caring of that other person. People who learn ‘tough love’ have to learn that their former behaviors have been enabling, and that to continue in them would constitute allowing the other person’s pattern of behavior to continue... and to worsen! Thus, recognising your own issues regarding self-esteem is the first step toward recognising, and thus healing, your enabling issues.

Dr. Murray continues:

“Enabling comes from codependency. The term codependency refers to a relationship where one or both parties enable the other to act in certain maladaptive ways. Codependent personalities evolve from attempts to keep some type of order in a hurtful relationship. Many times, the act of enabling satisfies a need for the codependent person because his or her actions foster a dependency from the other person or persons in the relationship.”

Are you attempting to keep order in your relationship with your widower by enabling his grief? In some unhealthy GOW/WOW/widower relationships, the widower continues to NEED to grieve because he cannot imagine NOT grieving. To him, moving beyond bereavement is akin to a betrayal in forgetting his late wife/past marriage, something that is unfathomable to him because he equates forgetting with forever ceasing to love his late wife.

The WOW/GOW in this kind of relationship continues to NEED to be needed for her sympathy, kindness, and patience while loving him. She gets some kind of thrill from playing the martyr, bypassing her own needs and issues in order to “rescue” her widower from his grief pain. The two people feed off of each other’s neediness and, while doing so, unwittingly stall their own love relationship from progressing in a healthy way. In return, they each resent – and start to lose respect for – the other.

Dr. Murray claims: "Codependency is reinforced by a person's need to be needed. The grief enabler thinks irrationally, believing she can maintain a healthy relationship with her widower through manipulation and control. She believes she can do this by avoiding conflict and fostering dependency."

"Another way a codependent person can continue to foster this dependency from her widower is by controlling situations and people around her.
As a child, you may have been reinforced to comply with actions and decisions of a parent instead of being afforded opportunities to challenge those actions that you found to be wrong. Can you see how these types of messages could foster the development of irrational thinking? The ongoing themes in a codependent home are to avoid conflicts and problems and to make excuses for destructive or hurtful behavior."

"You may ask: What is the harm with trying to keep the peace? The power afforded to the codependent person in a relationship reinforces her need for control even if she uses inappropriate means to fulfill her need to be in control."

In a relationship with a widower, for example, instead of allowing her man to lead the way through grief-related situations such as his late wife’s death anniversary, the grief enabler controls the day. She announces that she will accompany her widower to the cemetery. She invites family and friends, both past and present, to a memorial in the late wife’s honour. And by doing so, she feeds her need to be viewed as the wonderfully understanding partner by her widowers and others, which in turn satisfies her sense of self-esteem and powerlessness. Sadly, by doing so, her widower now has another reason to stall his grief recovery in that by allowing the GOW/WOW to control the day, he can avoid the necessary walk through “anniversary grief” required in order to grow and heal from it.

Another example of controlling the WOW/GOW/widower relationship though the widower’s grief feelings would be how many GOWs/WOWs are afraid of discussing their widower’s grief with him. They are afraid of any mention of the late wife. These women are too competitive with her memory, and as such, fear that allowing the widower to discuss her equates allowing him to “hang onto” her memory. The WOW/GOW feels that by hanging onto his memory of his late wife, the widower’s grief will never end. In the WOW/GOW’s irrational mind, allowing the widower to hang onto his memories and love for his late wife means she herself will forever be “second best” and may never “measure up to” the late wife in his eyes. Without concrete knowledge of grief recovery and how discussing grief feelings is important to a widower’s healing, the WOW/GOW will continue to be the silent enabler.

Finally, an important but often overlooked aspect of enabling centers on the inconsistent messages and unclear expectations presented by someone who is codependent. Dr. Murray says, “These characteristics contribute to a relationship filled with irrational thoughts and behavior. This kind of relationship has no clear rules to right and wrong behavior.”

For example, some GOWs/WOWs refuse to draw boundary lines within their relationships with their widowers. These women expect respect and sensitivity, but without first expressing their GOW/WOW-related issues coherently, they often find themselves in heated arguments with their confused men.

To illustrate, imagine a GOW who silently hurts whenever she views pictures of the late wife in her widowed boyfriend’s home. She fears mentioning her issue for fear that her widower will find her petty, competitive, and insecure. By staying silent, she begins to harbour resentment for her widower, which may manifest in angry, derogatory comments about the late wife in conversations with him or others. The widower, who is clueless as to the origin of the GOW’s pain, finds her behaviour confusing if not insensitive, and begins to question the stability of the relationship. The GOW feels him pulling away, but irrationally excuses his actions by concluding that he loves his late wife MORE than he will ever love her. When the relationship finally ends, the GOW finds comfort in her belief that it was his fault, not hers.

Noted television psychiatrist Dr. Phil McGraw claims, “We teach others how to treat us.” Exactly right! We cannot expect anyone, much less our widowers, to treat us how we want to be treated unless or until we define for them our issues, fears, and boundaries. Doing so illuminates “right and wrong” within the relationship, and gives our significant others clear insight into our expectations of treatment.

Is it difficult to stop enabling? Dr. Murray says yes, but there is hope! "It’s difficult if you’re trying to do it with will power. And it’s not easy until you know you deserve to stop; till you know that you are lovable regardless of what the person you’ve enabled says to the contrary…until you raise your own self-esteem enough to be that strong. Interestingly, you may think it’s the other person who needs all the help. In truth, you both do! It becomes easier and easier to release the bonds of codependency as you, yourself, become stronger, healthier, and more whole."

Loving yourself, raising your self-esteem, learning all about the patterns of codependence/enabling/over-giving and how to be more assertive in saying what you mean are all VITAL steps to take in order to be a healthy helpmate in a relationship with a widower.

When you become your own highest priority, regardless of the widower’s priorities, you will learn to make it happen. Remember, no one will ever care as much about you as much as you should care about yourself, including your widower.

The Valley Of The Shadow of Hope

2009-05-07T09:45:00.001-04:00

As the wife of a former widower, many people assume that it is my job to help my husband forget his late wife, to erase her memory from his mind, and to eliminate the love he has had for her from his heart. After all, how could he possibly move beyond bereavement with hope for his future if he still clung to the past? How could he love two women at the same time? Worst yet, how could I, as his new wife, ever feel hopeful about a marriage of two souls while a part of this unique triangle of three?

My best explanation would be this: I have learned to embrace my husband’s late wife. She, like all wives, has played a very large part in creating the wonderful man I married. While he is probably much different than the man she knew, my husband’s late wife has left her legacy of love to me within him. I have much for which to be grateful to her. Why would I ever wish her memory to be dishonoured if I stand to gain so much more by embracing this unusual triangle: my husband, myself, and the late wife?

Being rapturously in love with my husband, I was recently reminded of our own beautiful wedding when we were in attendance together at another.
But while dabbing my tears as I sat in the church pew, something suddenly struck me as strange. If I promise to love, honor, and cherish my husband until death parts us, then is it my duty – my solemn vow before God – to stop loving, honoring, and cherishing him when he does die? Certainly God never intended for us to put the brakes on our deepest emotions just because our partner in life has been taken from us physically…or does He?

Newlyweds don’t think twice about repeating these sacred vows. They are certain that their love with stand the test of time and that their loving feelings will overcome all future obstacles. It is this hope – not the fragrant flowers or pretty bridesmaids - that makes weddings intimately grand. Hope is the reason wedding guests bring tissues and handkerchiefs. Hope is a beautiful thing.

But when a spouse loses his or her life partner to death, hope may be doomed to the wayside temporarily. It is difficult to be hopeful when your soul mate has been ripped from your life, leaving you alone, afraid, and sad beyond words. But love does not cease to exist, and neither does the desire to honor and cherish your mate simply because he or she is now just a memory – an honoured, cherished memory.

When the worst happens, hope is suspended in limbo. When we grieve, we forget that hope is an option. Insightful people know intrinsically that without hope, a widow or widower will not survive emotionally for very long. This is why their friends and family become protective and concerned, flocking to the bereaved’s side to remind their loved one that hope is still in sight and will be a beacon through the darkest of days ahead.

But where does one so deep in grief tap into this source of hope when life now feels like a barren wasteland of useless energy?

The answer is love.

With love, all things are possible. And from that realm of possibility, hope springs eternal. To love is to keep hope alive, and to hope is to keep love alive. It takes courage to love, lose a loved one, and love again. It takes hope to make it happen.

God never meant for us to stop loving our spouses when they die. Rather, He created love to be unconditional, eternal, and renewable. He knew that through love, we could find the hope that He so generously gifts us – love that stands the tests of time, even through the valley of the shadow of death. And in His wisdom, He created love and hope to be inseparable parts of the human spirit.

I believe that churches worldwide should change the marriage vows to reflect the two universal truths that all widows and widowers have come to know: Love never dies - even after loss, and the desire to honor and cherish the memory of a lost love is not buried along with the deceased, either.

My husband’s undying love for his late wife, and the hope that it inspired in him, have benefited me as his new wife in many ways. But the most important is being enveloped in a circle of love that will never end and a hope that will never die. To erase or eliminate that from my husband’s heart would be marital suicide. But to embrace his love for his late wife only perpetuates the wondrous cycle of endless love and strengthens our own union forever.

Getting A Widower To Open Up

2009-04-26T23:56:00.003-04:00

WOWs and GOWs write to me all the time, asking me, "When you were first dating how did you get your widower to talk about his loss and his grief feelings?" I assume this question comes from women who are having a hard time getting their men to open up and share. How does a woman get ANY man, widower or not, to spill his guts? Men can be quite emotionally-constipated creatures, so bringing them to a woman's level of chatty communication is never an easy task. Difficult, yes...but not impossible.

I suppose the answer to this question for me, personally, is based on the kind of person I am:

I have diarrhea mouth. The only time I ever shut up is when I'm chewing my food. Heck, I even talk in my sleep! I have chronic bronchitis, so losing my voice is a twice-a-year thing for me. That doesn't stop me. Post-It Notes and dry-erase boards are my best friends during speechless illness.

I am also fearlessly opinionated but tactful. I am one of those strange people who could care less what others think of what I have to say, and I don't let other people's subjective opinions hurt me one bit (which came in handy when I worked as a lobbyist!).

I also love honesty, regardless of how it's wrapped: I don't care if it's delivered brutally or gently, just give me the truth!

Thus, getting Hubs to talk about his feelings was a matter of asking the right questions, constantly and without fear, with the goal of honest feedback, even if his answers weren't what I had hoped to hear.

You see, it's MUCH easier to deal with the truth than to sit and worry about assumptions. Quiet men unnerve me. Left to their own devices, most womens' assumptions about a man's unexpressed thoughts can provoke insecurities. They rarely assume positive things, only negative. I hate negativity and insecurity. So, to combat them, I have to be forthright, direct, and inquisitive just for my own peace of mind. And I won't rest until every stone has been turned.

It's no picnic asking "the tough questions" from a widower you love. But before you begin to do that, you have to ask a tough question of yourself first: Would I rather allow my fears to control my destiny, lead me to negative assumptions, and constantly worry and wonder about what my widower thinks and feels.......or would I rather face my fears, ask the questions I need answered, and deal with whatever truth he gives me? The choice, my friends, is up to you.

When you make decisions about what truth you can live with and which you can't, it's easy to find the strength to do what it takes to put your mind at ease. When your mind is at peace, you feel more confident about who you are. And when you feel confident, asking a widower to share his innermost thoughts with you is not as hard as it seems.

Enough Already! (When The Widower Talks Endlessly About His LW)

2009-04-14T14:17:00.000-04:00

Is it normal for a widower to talk about his late wife? Of course! She was a huge part of his life. They shared a history together. Although she is a part of his past, her memory is very much a part of his present and future. I don’t believe the widowed should be forced in any way by anyone to box up their memories altogether and never again speak another word about their lost loves. It would be an inhumane and selfish request to ask of the bereaved, and would lack the compassion needed have a successful relationship with a widower.

In my book “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey as the Wife of a Widower”, I urge my WOW (Wives Of Widowers) and GOW (Girlfriends Of Widowers) readers to embrace the late wife, and to remember that a relationship with a widower will be a marriage of three hearts, not just two. However, some people have misunderstood my meaning, erroneously assuming that this author believes a woman involved with a widower must willingly and dutifully step aside into the shadow of a sainted woman’s memory.

On the contrary, I believe a widower must treat his new love as the center of his universe, barring all others, including his late wife. However, to have a successful relationship with a widower, his new love must accept his past, including his late wife, and remember that she was, as most wives are, instrumental in making him the man he is today. I truly believe that outward jealousy of and disdain towards the late wife only serves to create an atmosphere of bitterness and resentment – emotions that build walls between a couple. Sharing a widower’s heart with his late wife does not mean his new love must take a back seat and quietly allow the late wife’s memory to stand between the couple. Sharing his heart simply means that the new woman in his life understands and accepts that the love he had for his late spouse did not die with her, and will always occupy a space in his heart.

But does a late spouse have to be a huge part of your present relationship with a widowed man, if at all?

Many girlfriends and wives of widowers (GOWs and WOWs) have written to me, asking when they might expect their widowers to stop droning on and on about his late wife. Hearing about another woman in your man’s past is difficult to handle. We certainly don’t expect a divorced man to talk about the good times he and his ex shared, and we feel righteous indignation when any man discusses, ad nauseum, within listening distance of his present love, the wonderful attributes of the ex-lovers who broke his heart. Doing so would be the ultimate in insensitivity. Yet society expects a woman involved with a widower to sit silently and put her personal feelings on the back burner while her widower lovingly recalls each and every personal detail about his late wife and their marriage.

A friend of mine once chastised my own angst about my widower’s tendency to memorialize his late wife by asking, “Why does it bother you so much? It’s not like she’s a threat or anything…she’s dead!” Clearly, those who have no stake in a relationship with a widower have no clue about - and no patience for - how hurtful and confusing this issue can be to the new woman in his life. Bottom line: the constant stirring and recalling of the memories of a deceased spouse CAN be harmful if it impedes the growth of a new relationship.

Some widowers with whom I have spoken regarding this issue have justified it by claiming they freely converse with their present loves about their late wives so that the former will “get to know” the latter. These widowers feel a need to bond their late spouses with their present loves. I have to wonder why they feel it is necessary, in their minds, for the late wife and present love to be friends. To what end do these means serve? Why would a man expect his new love to gleefully embrace this odd emotional “ménage a trios”, and what women of self-worth and esteem would settle for it without argument?

Sometimes, a widower who purposefully shares intimate information about his late wife and their marriage with their present love is looking for his late wife’s permission to fall in love again. He is hoping to be exonerated from the guilt he carries about moving on and leaving his memories – and his late wife - permanently in the past. He not only hopes his new love will accept that a part of his heart will always belong to another, but that his late wife will forgive him his imagined betrayal of her. However, doing so only delays his grief recovery as he perpetually memorializes his late wife.

Some widowers feel that in order for his new love to fully and completely understand and accept him for the person he is, it is paramount that she understands the depth of his love for his late wife. In my opinion, if a man thinks his late wife defines who he is and is the main source of his character, then he has not yet matured enough to grasp a very important understanding: the measure of a man is not who shaped him, but how he has used his life experiences to become the man he is. An appreciation for those in our lives who have contributed to our successes is vital, yes…but to claim these selfless mentors possess our personhood is the antithesis of personal growth.

Often times, discussing memories of a late spouse gives strength to the survivor. A widower cannot completely let go of the past unless and until every stone is unturned. He cannot move beyond bereavement until he embraces the past pain as well as its pleasures. Grief is not just an emotion but also a process. I once asked my previously widowed husband when he knew he had successfully let go of the past. He answered, “When I could smile instead of cry when remembering her.” Processing memories is an important step toward grief recovery. Therefore, it would appear logical that a widower who yearns to discuss his late wife and their shared past is thirsty to move on with his life. Thus, the act of verbally skipping down Memory Lane isn’t so insensitive after all.

Or is it?

When a partner in any kind of relationship disregards the feelings of his or her mate, this is insensitivity. Widowers I have spoken to about this issue ask me, “But I don’t understand WHY she (GOW or WOW) gets so upset when I talk about my late wife!” I reply that it would behove these men to ask the new mates personally so that they may acquire a deeper understanding of how it feels to love a man whose heart is apparently, as the old song says, “torn between two lovers.” I then counsel widowers to consider how they would feel if their new loves talked endlessly about their former lovers. Walking around in another person’s moccasins certainly sheds light on the issue. If a partner repeatedly asks his/her mate to cease and desist, that request should be respected, regardless of whether or not the reasoning behind the request is understood.

In conclusion, WOWs and GOWs must be sensitive to the fact that the widowers in their lives may have a need to discuss their late wives and marriages for a variety of reasons: to purge guilt, to complete the final stage of bereavement recovery, or to gain validation of his grief’s normalcy in sharing his intimate grief feelings with his new love. As such, a GOW/WOW would be wise to be sensitive to his feelings and learn to embrace the fact that his late wife will always be a treasured past memory, but not a present threat.

However, widowers must also be sensitive to the assumed threat the new love feels when there is more talk of the past and not enough reassurance and validation that the GOW/WOW in his life is Number One in his heart. When she pleads “Enough is enough!” the intelligent widower will respect her wishes as he attempts to gain insight, using honest communication, about the complex emotional and often misunderstood heart of a GOW/WOW.

Long-Distance and/or Online Romance: Nice, But At What Cost?

2009-04-13T12:54:00.003-04:00

There is something very romantic about a long-distance relationship, especially for those who are prone to romanticism, i.e., the poets and writers among us. Ahem ;) :)

Oh yes, we loooove to write pages and pages about our deepest feelings, oftentimes peppering our love letters with "one-liners of love" that we might not have the guts to utter in person. The early months of dating long-distance can be quite infatuating for the romantics among us. It is a time when our heart's pencil is most sharp. With one well-written line, the romantic becomes the hero of their own creation; at times, becoming a larger-than-life character in their own plays.

At once charming and seemingly sincere, always penning just the right words to capture a new lover's heart, romantics start to feel as swept away as the objects of their affection do. In this way, two needs are filled: the poet's, because they need to pour out their hearts in written form...and the new love's, because they need to be flattered and romanced. It is a sweet, perfect world they share...a place where neither is flawed and life is always good.

Sadly, romantics ALWAYS (and I mean, ALWAYS!) fall hard when reality sets in. So do their paramours. Reality's harsh light, like overhead lighting in department store dressing rooms, can be quite revealing, showing every major flaw otherwise overlooked or disguised. That space of time between the charm of romanticism and the reality of real life can be quite a large pothole in the road of the poet's & paramour's relationship, out from which many cannot dig themselves. Those who do manage to climb out discover that they are no longer as infatuated with their new love as they were when the lighting was dimmer and the world was a dreamy self-created fantasy. Those couples who DO climb out and work together to meld the romantic with the realistic have the best chance of making it, but they may always feel that something was lost along the way.

Case in point:

Hubs and I met online in a widows & widowers chat room (at the time, I was researching chat rooms for an article I, as a freelancer, was commissioned to write about them). His posts to other survivors melted my heart. On the back-and-forth letters/e-mails we two hungry romantics sent to each other were written words like those of gothic novels, dripping with sweet sentimentality and love so divine, they would have made Satan himself swoon. It had been many, many years since I had been so hunted and chased, so flattered and infatuated. Hubs' words spun gold in my heart and wove a tapestry so intricate that I floated instead of walked, laughed instead of cried, and reeled with delight from the power of his silky threads of lovingly written words.

In my mind, he had become perfect, infallible, and pleasantly unreal, so unlike anything I had ever experienced. In my mind, I had created my own personal knight in shining armor who had come to save me from my painful post-divorce misery. With each in-person meeting/date, Hubs' armor became more and more dented as the reality of his normal human imperfections was revealed. Where, oh where was my white knight...and who was this clumsy-talking shy clown taking his place? (LOL!) I can't explain WHY I was so shocked....perhaps because I had built him up so much in my mind (with his help, of course!) as this mythical creature that ANY tiny imperfection reality revealed about him to me would messed with my sense of need. Whatever its reason, the transition was indeed painful.

However, long story short....Although the heady feeling that accompanies being romanced diminished, with time, the acceptance of each other for who we really were took hold as we began the slow process of climbing out from the pothole of long-distance romantic infatuation into a new reality - one that still included romantic overtures, but one that became solidly based in the daily give-and-take required for relationships to grow.

Reality is no picnic, and the knight gave me respite from the harshness of my daily living at a time when I needed the rest so badly. But with a LOT of perseverance and a willingness to create a new kind of love, we both tempered the poets inside of us with the imperfect people we were, and thus forged a more realistic yet still sentimental bond.

I must admit with great sadness that I miss the fantasy of the white knight...
Gone are the long, drippingly sweet pages and pages of uninhibited written confessions of his heart. Thankfully, in their place, my W has written in indelible ink upon my heart an unspoken love that I can count on to always be there.
Gone are the "all-nighters" when we would lovingly express until dawn's early light our deepest dreams and desires for our future, in whispered tones and with giddy anticipation. Thankfully, in their place, my W has worked hard in the real world to make a future for us that is mortgage-free and retirement-ready, thus securing my heart to his.
Gone are the days of revelling in each other’s romantically-eschewed perfection. Thankfully, in their place, we have faced the harsh lighting of reality, revealing all of our worst human imperfections, and yet loving each other in spite of them all.

Has it been easy? Lord, no! The transition from romantic fantasy to reality would have been MUCH simpler if only we had done the mature thing and revealed to each other in bits and pieces our human flaws. In short, while reality may be harsh, you cannot make a life with a fantasy.

Thankfully, once in awhile, when I least expect it, the white knight returns for a visit (usually carrying flowers!), if only to remind me that he still exists but in a different form. This new knight - a blend of the romantic and the realistic - is a better person in whom I can place my trust instead of putting my future in the hands of a created persona who was better at sweeping me off my feet than helping me sweep the floors of our family home.

The "Fits and Starts" Of Dating A WIdower

2009-04-06T09:10:00.002-04:00

Although my book “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife Of A Widower” primarily addresses women married to widowers, I do occasionally receive e-mails from women who are in serious committed premarital relationships with widowers as well. These brave souls seem to share one issue in common: struggling to overcome the “fits and starts” initiated by their previously widowed boyfriends who emotionally withdraw from the relationship when grief is triggered.

The following is an example of “fits and starts” from a recent letter I received:

“I have been dating a widower for the past two years. His wife died five years ago. He says they were very happy and everyone I meet tells me how wonderful she was. Initially, he dove right into the relationship and we seemed to be the perfect match. After six months of dating, he withdrew and said he had to work out in his mind issues that were about him and his wife, and he wasn't ready to discuss them with me. He is very close to his late wife’s family and they celebrate her birthday and death every year. It was during the time of this anniversary that he retreated. We got back together a few months later for another eight months, but now the same thing has happened at the same time of the year.”

“Do you think these are issues about his wife and that even after such a long time he is still not ready to move on or perhaps his problems stem from other issues? He is a lovely man...kind, generous, thoughtful, and I love him dearly. How can I gently communicate more with him about this? I did have a fear of bringing “her” up initially, but tried to do it once in awhile. I have not visited her grave with him but really do want to. Is there hope?”

Typically, a widower who has re-entered the dating scene does so with much trepidation. This is “virgin territory” to him, yet he chooses to take each step one at a time and deal with the issues as they arise. One of the issues he may face is “guilt by betrayal”. If I had to venture a guess based on what I have researched about widowers (since I don’t know each one personally), I would say that this writer’s widower is exhibiting classic "guilt by betrayal" issues since he typically backs away from her during his late wife's death anniversary.

This pattern usually affects widowed men who were faithful and happy in their marriages, shared a child with their late spouse, and/or were married for a decade or longer. At this time, he feels guilty for a variety of reasons, such as the simple acts of:

1.) Living ("Why do *I* deserve to live when “she” (late spouse/girlfriend/fiancée) didn't? There's something WRONG with that!")
2.) Being happy ("How can I be - or how do I deserve to be - happy when "she" is gone? It feels so WRONG!")
3.) Moving on ("Shouldn't life just STOP because “she” is gone? Wouldn't it be more of a memorial in her honor for me to remain celibate/single/miserable? What's WRONG with me?")

Widowers such as this typically:

1.) Have no one to talk to about their confusing feelings, so they stuff these emotions deep inside until an event (such as another funeral he attends, or the death/wedding/birthday anniversary of his late significant other) brings these feelings to the surface).
2.) Have no idea how or where to find someone to validate their feelings and discover that they are a perfectly normal (but temporary) part of the emotional grief cycle.
3.) Have family/friends holding them back and prodding their guilt.

I truly believe that it is NOT healthy for a widower to be commemorating his late wife's birthday/anniversary with his late wife’s parents each year. They may be the sweetest people on earth and have no intentions of making the widower feel guilty, but they are!

The former in-laws are a sore subject among WOWs/GOWs. Some are very accepting and kind, some are not. Those who are not have a hard time accepting that their daughter's beloved husband has chosen to move on with his life. Their rationale is:

1.) Sadness: ("I guess he didn't love her as much as he says he did since he has now chosen to betray her by loving again and moving on.")
2.) Confusion: ("How could he "replace" our perfect daughter with a cheap imitation?")
3.) Anger: ("How DARE he dance in her ashes and dishonor her memory like that?!")

In-laws like these often subconsciously PULL the widower into their own grief cycles to "wise him up" and try to make him realize that his behavior is wrong (even though it's NOT!). They do this by bringing him along to the cemetery or making him the guest of honor at their late daughter's birthday parties. Their motivation is FEAR. They are afraid that their beloved child will be forgotten if they stop celebrating her life, and they feel that the widower's steps beyond bereavement are a sure sign that he, too, has negated the late wife's existence. They use guilt tactics by preying on the widower's obligatory feelings.

Some in-laws feel that by including the widower in their celebrations, they are doing "the right thing": helping him with his grief - "We don't want Bill to be alone today. He needs us. We need him. We should all be together." What they don't realize is that everyone who has lost a loved one (including "Bill") deals with grief in their own way and needs to be able to work it out WITHOUT outside interference. It should be "Bill's" choice about how to handle those special grief occasions when they occur, not theirs.

In-laws such as these may also be motivated by their concern for their grandchild(ren). They are afraid that the widower, in his loneliness, will latch onto anyone in a skirt and forget about his child(ren)'s feelings, thereby putting the child(ren) at risk for yet another roller coaster of emotional upheaval. They may also fear that the new woman in the widower's life has ulterior motives: "She wants to make our grandchild (or the widower) forget our daughter!" or "She's USING him as a paycheck or to support her own child(ren)! They are typically - and NORMALLY - skeptical about her.

If you are a GOW who struggles with the issue of “fits and starts” with your widowed boyfriend, there are some things you can do to alleviate this cycle of guilt and grief (but be forewarned - these tidbits of advice first require you to be a tower of strength and push your insecurities aside):

1.) TALK, TALK, TALK! TALK to him about his late wife! Urge him to tell you about her. Doing so makes her REAL and not the saint he would rather put on some unattainable (by YOU!) pedestal.
2.) TALK, TALK, TALK,! TALK about your issues, how they make you feel, and how the two of you can work on them together as a team. You are a part of his life and, by default, of his grief. As such, you deserve to be heard.
3.) HONOR his late wife by allowing his children their feelings. Let them discuss their mother openly. DO NOT talk negatively about their mother in their presence.
4.) DO NOT question your boyfriend’s love for you or compare it to his love for his late wife. You can "own" your insecurities without allowing them to become a wedge between you.
5.) TALK TO your boyfriend's former in-laws. Ignoring them just fuels their fire and validates their negative feelings about you. Don't be afraid to discuss their daughter with them, since avoidance of the subject only perpetuates the saintly icon they have formulated in their minds. Discussing her shows that you are willing to accept the role she played in your boyfriend’s heart and in defining his character.
6.) Speak lovingly, without judgement and with great empathy, to everyone who knew the late wife and/or loved her. This shows great understanding and strength of character on your part.

When your widower boyfriend starts to withdraw into “fits and starts” mode, gently redirect him with your understanding. If he typically withdraws on “anniversaries” associated with his late wife, be bold and offer a shoulder for him to lean on. Encourage him to discuss his feelings with you while reminding him that although you may never understand the complexity and depth of his grief emotions, you care enough about him to listen with an open mind and an open heart. Be patient and understanding, and you will be rewarded with new hope. Time, the great healer, is on your side.

(Copyright 2003-2009 Julie Donner Andersen. All rights reserved. Reprints only by written permission of author.)

"Moving On" and "Letting Go" - Are They The Same?

2009-04-04T10:43:00.001-04:00

I am often asked by women interested in a relationship with a widower how they can tell if their men are truly beyond bereavement and ready to date (or fall in love) again. Since I don’t know their widowers personally, and because grief is different for everyone in terms of time, I cannot answer this question with absolute certainty.

But of one thing I am certain: “Moving on” and “letting go” are not one in the same.

After the funeral is over, friends and family go back to their homes and lives, and the widower is left to pick up the pieces of his recently shattered life. At that point, “moving on” seems like an eternity to him; an impossible task for which he is sorely equipped to handle in his present grief state. However, “moving on” is exactly what he begins to accomplish, one painfully torturous day at a time. It is the first step on the road to healing.

Moving on becomes as necessary as breathing. Psychologists say that the sooner a widower can begin a new routine, the better. He may be barely functional as he trudges through another day without his spouse, but he is at least making an effort towards a new kind of normalcy. The familiarity of his formerly tailored married life is now missing, making his newly widowed life seem strange and awkward.

This slow movement through time will build the widower a new life, albeit as a newly single man. It is an adaptation for which there is only one choice involved: a widower can either stay in bed and forever avoid life, or he can get up, get dressed, and face the world again. Therefore, moving on is more of a physical response to a life situation rather than a mental act.

A woman interested in dating a widower during his “moving on” journey may erroneously believe that his state of grief is manageable only because his daily life appears to be so well organized. She may feel confident that because he has moved on and acquired a new life routine, her presence in it will not be unwelcome.

However, a perfectly organized life routine is often the biggest clue to defining a widower’s present state of grief, as the act of rigid structure and unwavering routine can sometimes be an obsession to hide emotions with which he has not yet dealt. Achieving a comfortable life balance is something a widower strives to accomplish, and anything – or anyone - that may interfere with his hard-earned emotional balance is considered a threat, only because the widower has not yet “let go”.

Indeed, the changes a widower will make along his journey towards moving beyond bereavement will involve making mental decisions and choices - and the biggest will be choosing and deciding to let go.

The newly widowed often equate letting go with betrayal, and may angrily question, “What is it that I must let go of? My memories? My grief? What?” The anger comes from believing society would be more comfortable with him if he would only forget about his late wife, his past life, and erase that part of his life completely from his mind and heart.

Sadly, he is right. Society is uncomfortable with grief as a whole, is loathe to discuss its taboo intricacy and intimacy, does not fully understand its complexity, and sometimes forces the bereaved to adapt to its ever changing and rapidly evolving face just to suit its membership as a whole. But grief defies the law of sociology insomuch as it is unique to each member of society. In other words, one societal law regarding the grief process cannot and will not govern people as a whole because the community of a society is made up of individual people who grieve in their own unique ways and in their own unique time.

And yet, our evolving society, in its quest to aid its fellow members, is right about one thing: Letting go is vital to healing the bereaved beyond the mere functionality of moving on.

“Letting go” is defined as a release: to liberate, disengage, or set free. It is a conscious choice; a mental act that requires free will and effort. Unlike moving on, letting go is not something a widower is forced to accept nor something to which he feels he must adapt. But like moving on, letting go is necessary for a healthy emotional life balance in a widower’s new unmarried life.

In regard to widowhood, letting go simply involves an acceptance of the facts about the deceased: that she is dead, will not be coming back, does not control life from the Great Beyond, will not be angry/hurt/mortified/disappointed if her surviving spouse decides to fall in love again, and has no more ties to nor control over her surviving spouse’s marital status. But more importantly, letting go also involves a clear acceptance that the past is history…a history that may be long remembered and still loved, but a time that served its purpose during its time but has since been laid to rest.

Many widowers never let go. They move on, adapt, and go through their daily lives feeling completely satisfied. But is this a healthy state of mentality? Who am I, or we, to say? Can a widower live out the remainder of his life happily in this state of denial? Perhaps, but let me warn you: A widower who is content with not letting go will not be suitable for a relationship beyond friendship.

In conclusion, a woman who is contemplating starting a relationship with a widower must be clear about the differences between his “moving on” and his ‘letting go”. While they both involve a transition through grief, the former is functional, while the latter is critical. Recognizing the difference will help you along your journey of Loving A Widower...

~Copyright 2009 Julie Donner Andersen. No reprints or links back to this article without express permission form author.

Sex And The GOW/WOW

2009-04-02T13:25:00.003-04:00

"Sex and the GOW/WOW" is a topic I barely touched upon in my book, and for good reason. Most wives and girlfriends of widowers with whom I communicated while doing research for the book told me that they secretly bury their issues on this subject, feeling so embarrassed and/or ashamed of their fears, insecurities, and feelings that they found it difficult to even discuss them with me under a cloak of anonymity! WHAT a shock, especially in today's sexually enlightened society!

Shocking, yes - but understandable. As a happily married wife of a widower, I, too, have been loathe to personally discuss this topic for fear that I would be judged harshly, perhaps even thought of as a tad crazy. But the fact remains - there exists in our society a small segment of women who have battled or continue to battle things unseen…even in the bedroom.

When I met my previously widowed husband, his late wife had been deceased for over three years. However, he still resided in the house they had shared together during their 7 year long married life, complete with all of their furniture, pictures adorning the walls, and even her coats hanging in the foyer closet. It looked as though she had just stepped out to the grocery store, and not died prematurely and suddenly three years prior.

My first visit to his home was to be our first night of romance. However, I constantly felt "her" presence. The mementos of her that I faced during my visit were reminders that I was merely a guest and not "the lady of the house". The most chilling remnant of her life was, of course, their bedroom. I doubt that my macho husband had chosen the pink and white lace bedspread and matching curtains after she had passed, so it was a reminder to me that this was at one time HER domain, causing me to feel like a trespasser and an adulteress.

Needless to say, it was a tad intimidating to me as his new love interest. The bed itself represented not only a place where they once laid their heads in rest, but also the shrine of intimacy where they once spoke of dreams, shared their feelings for each other, and yes…made passionate love. How could I possibly even think of coupling in such a way with him on the very same bed where they climbed the heights of passion and intertwined their souls as happily married people do? With closet doors flung widely open, I could almost picture her in the neatly hung and pressed negligee's that draped their way casually from padded hangers there. It felt almost voyeuristic to me.

Their wedding picture and wedding invitation were displayed in gilded frames which hung in all their glory over the bed, as if to speak for her: "You're about to make it with MY husband - you hussy!" Of course, this was not the picture-perfect, romantic evening that I had dreamed of! Too many ghosts.

Her belongings, which produced images of her, were not the only windmills at which I tilted. There was also the issue of comparison. How would I measure up - sexually speaking - to a woman who knew my then-boyfriend so intimately? Considering the fact that they dated for a year before marrying, they collectively shared 8 years of a loving relationship. This gave them plenty of time to figure out how to please each other, to chart the roadmaps of each other's bodies, and to communicate to each other their deepest romantic desires. Foreplay would have been set in stone, each knowing what turned the other on, and the dance of sexual passion would have been played out in satisfying synchronization. Gulp! What a tough act to follow!

Of course, making love for the first time with a new love interest is always nerve-provoking. But as a new lover of a former widower, I had an eerie feeling that "she" was watching us, as if to make sure that I would not "best" her in the sexual arena. Add to that mixture an almost omnipresent feeling - one that nudges your competitive nature and makes you feel that you and your lover are not the only two people in the bed - and you have a recipe for insecurity and thoughts of failure before you even begin to take your clothes off!

When the lights were dimmed and our passion sparked, I almost forgot about "her"…until I turned my head to face my sweetheart, and found his eyes closed. I wondered if he was thinking of "her". With every one of his touches, I insecurely thought that he may be imagining my body as her body. I started to doubt his whispered words of love for me, and felt that he was pretending to say them to her. I wondered if all the grief information I had read was true - that perhaps he may have had feelings of guilt for "betraying" his late wife's memory. I was filled with confusion…and anger. I was NOT the kind of person who would be willing to SHARE my man with another woman.

Bolting from the bedroom, I suppose my sweetie thought I was insane. But we had shared enough time together in our relationship history to forge a firm foundation of trust in our relationship, so I finally blurted out the truth about my fears and anxieties. It was the beginning of a new understanding…and a new life of sexual fulfillment for us.

Eventually, her closet's contents were donated to charity and the wedding pictures stored away for safekeeping. Their bed was sold, as was their house, and we bought our own home and purchased our own bed. But until that time, we had sweet, romantic trysts in hotel rooms and other rooms of the house where the late wife's presence was not so overpowering for me, and we made our own beautiful sexual memories together, away from "her" watchful eye. With gentle reassurance, my husband guided me out of my fears and convinced me that he had never compared my sexual prowess to his late wife's. He confirmed to me that I was a wonderful lover, partner, and friend, so I began to feel more secure about myself and about our relationship.

After a time, the threat of the late wife's memory ceased to exist, and no longer haunted me or forced me to "out-do" her in the bedroom. The pink and white lace bedspread was replaced with and a royal-colored floral comforter that now graces the mattresses where my husband and I renew our intertwined spirits with passion and speak of our future plans. This is now MY domain, and I am now "the lady of THIS house", relegating the late wife to the role of the outsider …a stranger whom I accept my husband will always love, but one who no longer trespasses on our lives in our bedroom.

~~From the book "PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman's Journey As The Wife of a Widower" by Julie Donner Andersen. (Copyright 2002/2003 Julie Donner Andersen. All rights reserved. Reprints only by written permission of author.)

It's Only Human

2009-04-01T08:59:00.002-04:00

When I was in the research phase of writing my book, I had contacted and communicated with over 100 WOWs (Wives Of Widowers). In order to find a common thread among all of us, I posed questions to each of them regarding what issues they had dealt with as a WOW. Oddly enough, the results of this survey often prompted me to reassure these women by uttering a quasi-patronizing, “That’s OK. It’s only human”.

It’s only human to feel threatened by a ghost who will always reside in your husband’s heart.

It’s only human to feel anxiety on the anniversary date of the late wife’s death.

It’s only human to wonder if your husband will ever love you the way he loved his late wife.

“It’s OK. I’m only human”. That’s partially true. I AM human. And because of this indisputable fact, it only follows that my feelings are human, too. But is it “OK” to have these feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and fear?

In a word…no!

I had used this same statement of affirmation on myself when I first married my previously widowed husband. When the old “Insecurity Monster” reared its ugly head and forced me to react negatively or to feel threatened by the late wife’s memory and eerie presence in my marriage, I repeated over and over, “What I am feeling is normal…because I’m only human, after all”. In other words, I excused myself, and by doing so, I had glossed over my fears and allowed them to be pushed aside for the time being. I had not only used this lame excuse to feel better about my negative emotions, but I had also used it to avoid finding a solution to my problematic fears as well.

Why? What was the payoff for my hanging onto my insecurities? Did they benefit my marriage? Did they change the past? Did they make me stronger? Of course not. Negative emotions of fear, anxiety, and self-doubt are NOT of God. They are Satan’s tools, and he knows how to operate them put a wedge in your faith and to try to separate what God has joined together.

Yes, all emotions are human emotions. After all, Jesus was a human, and felt the negative emotion of fear in the Garden of Gethsemane. However, the big difference between what is human and what is divine was demonstrated by how Jesus handled His anxiety. He went straight to His Father in heaven and asked for strength. He did not stuff his negative emotions into his pocket. Rather, he focused on a solution. And by doing so, He illustrated that that is what He wants us to do, too.

It is easy to do or feel what comes naturally…to do or feel what is human. But Christ calls us to do what is spiritual…and divine. He wants us to come unto Him, release our burdens, then be still and know that He will deliver. In Psalm 56:3, the Lord speaks through the psalmist and reminds us of this: “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You”. God wants us to trust our faith and not our humanness.

It would be arrogant for me, either as advice for my fellow WOWs or even for myself, to ever utter the phrase “It’s OK…I’m only human!” ever again, as if what is human supercedes what is Spirit-directed. My humanity does not solve the problems of fear, anxiety, or insecurity. Most of the time, my humanness only serves to exacerbate my problems.

Of course my human feelings and those of my sister HOWs and WOWs are real and worthy of mention, perhaps even validation. But when we rely on ourselves - on our humanness - to excuse away our negative feelings, we stop putting our trust in God, and the result is a separation from the only One who can comfort, love, and strengthen us out of the darkness of our negative humanity - and get us back to the business of Loving A Widower....

(Copyright 2009 Julie Donner Andersen. All rights reserved. No reprints without author permission.)

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

2009-03-29T11:18:00.003-04:00

Everyone has a past history of prior love relationships: ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands, past lovers, and/or former friends. Each person from our past has contributed in some way to our personal growth. Even if the relationship ended badly, most people can honestly admit that they learned a lesson, gained insight or wisdom, and used the experience to forge a better understanding of self. If personal growth is a good thing, then it makes sense that we should be grateful to the people from our pasts, as they have played a part in molding our unique characters.

Alas, it’s hard to dole out praise to these folks if, for some reason, we harbor old resentments against them. If they broke our hearts or hurt us deeply, human nature interferes with our ability to say, “Thanks for all you did to help make me the person I have become!” but in truth, that’s precisely what the experience these relationships have afforded us has done.

If you are married, do you believe that your spouse has changed you in a positive way? Do you believe that you have changed your spouse? Have you made each other stronger, happier, more patient, understanding, caring, or loving? More importantly, have you helped each other to grow as individual people? I’m sure a majority of married folk would respond “yes” to all of these questions.

Then why does a WOW (or a GOW, for that matter) find it so difficult to not give credit where credit is due and be grateful to the late wife for the positive influence she had on her husband?

Perhaps it’s because GOWs and WOWs are not afforded the luxury of “closure”. Unlike divorced men, widowers did not choose to leave their wives. Death chose FOR them. And unlike divorced men who fall out of love with their ex-wives, widowers will always feel a great deal of love for their late wives. This lack of closure in a widower’s past tends to extend to their future wives to some degree. The late wife, unlike the ex-wife, is not “locked out” of her husband’s heart. Thus, a widower’s new wife must learn to share the same space in his heart that the late wife occupies.

This is a difficult thing for any woman to do. We are a jealous and possessive gender, and find it absurd to accept that our spouses can love two women at the same time. This jealousy can fuel the fires of insecurity rapidly. To overcome feeling “second best”, we tend to compete with the late wife’s memory, vying for that coveted “first place” position in our husbands’ memory. Yet this becomes a frustrating “two steps forward, one step back” race to the finish. In the whirlwind of negative emotions that ensues, we become blinded to one important reality: The widowed men with whom we fell in love would perhaps not be a perfect match for us today had they not been happily married before.

Because my husband was happily married once before, he learned how to be a great husband, which has benefited me immensely as his new wife. Because he kept his first “in sickness and in health” wedding vow while he cared for a dying wife, he has proven his worth as an honorable, upstanding, and loyal man. And most importantly, because his late wife loved him dearly and respected him greatly, he was encouraged toward personal growth and evolved into the man of my dreams.

I urge all WOWs ad GOWs to reap the benefits of the their husbands’ late wives’ legacies and, in gratitude, give credit where credit is due. This is an important part of Loving A Widower...

Taking The "I Love You" Leap Of Faith

2009-03-27T22:03:00.001-04:00

“Matt?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
“Umm…I…*gulp*…need a snack. Be right back.” ZOOOOOOOOOM!

Sound familiar?

Ahhhh, love. According to the songs, love is a many splendor’ed thing. It makes the world go ‘round. It’s all you need.

Excuse me, but at the risk of sounding anti-Cupid….Humbug! When it comes to dating a new widower who has never had a relationship with anyone besides his late wife, you need a whole lot more than love: you need patience, compassion, and most of all…courage!

Yes, COURAGE!

Who else in their right mind, besides a GOW (Girlfriend Of a Widower), would share her man’s heart with another woman (the late wife)?

Who else besides a GOW understands that on certain days of the year (death anniversary, late wife birthday, wedding anniversary, etc.), her man’s heart will be broken by grief triggers, and she will be temporarily demoted to “grief therapist” for the day?

Who else but a GOW? No one, that’s who!

Try to envision your girlfriends’ mouths agape if you were to explain to them the same scenario about a divorced man you’ve been dating:

“Hey, gals, it’s the 1st anniversary of my man’s divorce today. He’s pretty low about it. He’s going to go visit her and take flowers. There’ll probably be a lot of tears as he reminisces about “the good times” they shared together, and I plan to just hold his hand and listen with compassion when he gets home. So whaddya say – wanna go get a cup of coffee while he makes his house call?”

KER-plop! (The sound of your girlfriends’ jaws hitting the floor).

Yet, this is precisely what a GOW deals with in her relationship; things that can only be handled with compassion, love, and yes…COURAGE! Being in love with a widower takes GUTS, and lots of them! It takes a strong sense of self without insecurity, an inner peace free of competitiveness, a rock-solid faith in silver linings, a willingness to sacrifice one’s self for the greater good of bereavement recovery, and the patience and knowledge that most if not all "things grief” subside with time.

Most GOWs I have met or with whom I have communicated online share these stellar character traits. Yet when it comes to saying “I love you” for the first time, these same pillars of Samson-ish strength are reduced to peanut butter.

So what gives? Why are these otherwise gutsy women so afraid of beating their widowed boyfriends to the punch by uttering those three anticipated words that will express what is in their hearts?

Simple: they are afraid of the inevitable comparison to “the one he loved first and still does”, AKA: the late wife. It is an anxiety that all GOWs share.

Fear of the unknown is the greatest fear of all. Confessing our true feelings to someone for the first time is downright scary. As much as we try to predict the outcome of our love professions with accuracy, widowers new to dating are largely unpredictable. Confess your feelings too soon, and he may run screaming into the night. Too late, and he may wonder if you really mean it or are just testing the relationship waters.

Even if the timing is perfect, he may still balk, wondering if how he feels for you is equal in quality and quantity as what you feel for him…wondering if his loving feelings are real or if he is simply on the rebound…feeling guilty for having loving feelings for you – feelings that are perhaps stronger than his feelings for his late wife…pushing his true feelings down because having them is akin to betraying his late wife or cheating on her in some strange way…wondering why he doesn’t feel the same way about you that he did about his late wife…and the list goes on, unpredictably.

So what is a GOW to do? Should she chicken out? Send a Hallmark card that will say it for her? Ask a friend to relay the message? Nahhh. What’s the fun in that? We profess our love feelings for a man TO a man because we want him to know how we feel, but admit it, gals…more importantly, we want to hear the same in return. And if we didn’t take that leap of faith and verbally blurt our heart’s contents to his face, we would miss out on the biggest thrill life has to offer: hearing a man say “I love you, too” for the first time...and meaning it.

In relationships without risk, there is no reward - just limbo. Even if your declaration of love is met with his declaration of fear, guilt, or ambivalence, the risk is still worth taking. Why? Because every baby step you take as a GOW is one step closer to the knowing the truth of a widower’s heart – how he feels, where he stands, and what the future holds for the two of you.

Unlocking the contents of a widower’s heart takes patience, understanding, and a willingness to wait until he is 100% sure that his response will be 100% honest and without reservations. There is no better road to this kind of discovery than to take a deep breath, look him square in the eyes, tell him how you feel…then let the chips fall where they may. I guarantee that the discussion to follow will not only be eye-opening but bonding as well – whether he reciprocates or not. Then you can get back to the business of Loving A Widower....

Why Are We Afraid To Ask "The Tough Questions" Of Our Widowers?

2009-03-25T17:11:00.002-04:00

After my book was released, I was deluged with letters from wives of widowers, wondering how I found the courage to ask my previously widowed husband about his late wife and their marriage. While I appreciate being thought of as courageous, asking “the tough questions” was more a matter of necessity than bravery for me…and for our marriage.

I have always felt that the greatest fear of all is the fear of the unknown. When left to our own devices, our imaginations can work overtime, wreaking havoc on our insecurities and vulnerabilities. When we privately wonder about things that concern our happiness and mental well being, we tend to lean towards the negative, assuming that the tough questions, if asked aloud, will be met with answers we are not ready to hear…or that will be the opposite of what we hope to hear.

Surprisingly, that’s usually never the case. Information, like education, allows us to calm our fears, put them into perspective, and in most cases, brings peace and relief to a worried soul. Even the painful answers to the tough questions can at least be digested with time. Truth has a way of winning out over the worst of fears.

So what are we so afraid of?

We are afraid that our questions will be perceived as nosy, insensitive, none of our business, or regarded as insignificant by the person we are asking. We fear being judged for appearing needy. We fear the perceived and/or anticipated fight that may ensue as a result of hurt feelings. And worst of all, we fear that the answers will be too shocking or painful to endure.

However, husbands and wives communicate with each other the most intimate, secret, personal things that two people can utter to one another. By doing this, their relationships deepen and their marital bonds are strengthened. Being privy to another’s deepest thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and opinions is an honor. It means that the person sharing this vital information trusts the receiver implicitly, and is assured that the listener will not judge nor hold said information against him or her.

Trust is a two way street. Respecting the answers to tough questions is just as important as being respected for asking the questions. To be trusted, one must be trustworthy. Wives of widowers must first decide if they are capable of handling whatever their husbands respond, whether the answers leave them feeling good or not. They must also decide, before posing the questions, whether the answers will help them overcome fears, issues, and insecurities, thus leading to a stronger relationship.

Case in point: When my husband I were planning our first Christmas together as a married couple, I wondered to myself why I should try so hard to make it nice for us if his grief would only make for a miserable holiday. I wanted cookie cutter perfection for my holiday, complete with Martha Stewart-ish dinners, parties, and decorations…without the interference of “The Grief Monster” or “The Ghost of Christmas Past”. But it was painfully obvious to me, even though he spoke nary a word about it, that my husband grieved his late wife’s loss at this special time of year, just as he did in the past when we were dating. The act of marrying me did not make his grief miraculously disappear.

I had a choice: Either I could muddle through and pretend for both of us to have a good time (but fooling nobody!), or I could gently confront my husband and ask the tough questions about how he would like to proceed with the holiday festivities in respect to his grief.

Brave, yes, but necessary. I needed to discuss my husband's feelings with him so I could make plans based on them. I needed to know his answers so I could be as much of a helpmate to him as I could be through this sentimental time of grief. As well, his answers would also provide me with insight into his grief journey, enabling me to gauge where he was at and if healing was rooting or not. That way, I could prepare my own heart for whatever was to come.

I trusted my husband not to judge me for asking, and he trusted me with his revelations about Christmases shared with his late wife, and how he missed certain traditions of old. Because of our little discussion, we were able to form a united front in the face of grief, incorporate old traditions with new, and enjoy the present holiday and each other.

But are some questions too sacred…too personal…too scary to ask a spouse? In respect to present wives asking tough questions to previously widowed husbands, the answer, in my opinion, is a resounding “No!” Keeping secrets, for whatever personal reasons, is not a healthy thing for anyone to do to a sacred blend of two souls into one, which is what marriage is all about: one soul, one mind, one love...and a willingness to share everything about one’s self with your soul mate.

If you are a wife of a widower, you must first be aware of your reasons behind your questions. Do you want to know about your husband’s sex life with his late wife? First, ask yourself why. Would his answers be beneficial to making your own sex life more interesting and enjoyable? Or is this a “loaded” question – the answer to which will only serve as justification of your insecurities and plunge you deeper into your own self-serving pity party?

The answers to the tough questions are like constructive criticisms – you may not like what you hear, but with a heart full of grace and respect for the one who delivers the answers, you can easily find a positive way to utilize the information...as long as you take “self” out of the equation, and just concentrate on Loving A Widower.

~~Copyright 2009 Julie Donner Andersen. No reprints without express permission from author.

Communication Is Key!

2009-03-24T12:31:00.004-04:00

As WOWs and GOWs, our insecurities can sometimes get the best of us...

"Will my W ever love me as much as he loved his LW (Late Wife)?"
"Is W thinking of LW when he's quiet?"
"Will the friends/family he shared with LW ever accept me?"

...as well as the "I'm curious but afraid to ask" questions about LW's pictures and personal possessions still hanging around the W's (Widower's) house, questions about the possibility of W having a joint burial plot with LW, and questions about whether W will ever commit to a permanent relationship since he still seems to be grieving his LW sometimes.

ARGGHH!!! Makes a poor WOW/GOW want to run screaming into the streets!

Be of good cheer, my WOW/GOW sisters, for the answer is simple: Communication is KEY!

It never ceases to amaze me how my worries and fears tend to be so huge in my own mind, yet when I finally summon the courage to face them head-on, I discover that they were totally overblown. Discussing my GOW/WOW worries and fears with my W is no different.

Asking the tough WOW/GOW questions of our Ws is, well, TOUGH! But once we do, we learn that the issues that consumed us with insecurity are often not a big deal to our Ws! And the more we practise communication, the better we get at it, and the easier it becomes. The pay-off is how our Ws get a chance to reaffirm their love and commitment to US when we talk openly and honestly about all things LW-related.

So, be strong, my sisters! You have nothing to fear but fear itself! Do what women do best and TALK!! (LOL!) Talk to your Ws about your insecurities. Bring those little demons of fear and worry into the LIGHT and air them out. Once you do, you will have defeated them, and you can begin to live the life you were meant to live...Loving A Widower!

A Visit From The "Grief Monster"

2009-03-22T12:58:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, Hubs and I received news that one of his LW's dear friends (I'll call her "B") had passed away from brain cancer. She and LW had met at the hospital when both were newly diagnosed with cancer. They formed an immediate bond and had been friends until the end. After LW died, "B"was a wonderful support for Hubs - sympathetic to his grief, yet unwavering in her encouragement that his life must move on. "B" had "beat" cancer twice, but sadly, it had methesticized beyond hope. She bravely endured, from diagnosis to death, for more than 15 years. She was 39 years old.

I met "B" during the first year of my marriage to Hubs. Her cancer had returned for the second time, but instead of wallowing in self-pity, her survivor's spirit kicked into high gear. She showed up at our home obviously balding from chemo but wearing the most hilarious straw hat with a kooky bird on it. Such was her personality and indominable spirit. Ever the inspiration, she spoke excitedly about her upcoming wedding. Cancer had kicked her in the pants, but she was a fighter, and decided she was not going to let it stand in the way of loving life and living it to its fullest.

She talked about LW, making LW seem so real and loveable for me. She said she was thrilled that Hubs had found me, and wanted to meet me to see for herself "the wonderful women who turned Hubs' life around for the better". I felt such a bond that day with "B", and although Hubs and I didn't see much more of her after this visit, we continued to hear good things about her life and her recovery. That is, until yesterday.

Every time a W experiences a loss, his grief for his LW can be resurrected, regardless of how long the LW has been gone. The new loss becomes a "grief trigger" for the latent grief, easing it out of its cave and to the surface where it can be manifested as depression, anger, or unusal behaviours contrary to W's true personality. The W may not even be aware that he is experiencing latent grief, so the conflicting feelings may be confusing, not only to him, but to his new love.

As a grief specialist aware of how latent grief works, I recognized it brewing in Hubs after we received the news of "B"'s passing. He seemed withdrawn and a bit depressed. Being truly "one flesh" with my husband, I noticed the signs. Instead of ignoring them or allowing Hubs to endire alone and possibly confused, I grieved with him as I lead him into a discussion about our feelings regarding his recent loss - and his past loss - together.

Hubs was truly suprised that, after 13 years since LW had passed, his grief over her loss could still sting him. Since "B"'s loss was so close in circumstances to his LW's, latent grief resurfaced. Fortunately, it didn't last long. Facing the Grief Monster's visit together head-on, we resolved its potential ferociousness by direct communication of our feelings.

Be ready for the Grief Monster, my WOW and GOW sisters. It shows up unexpectedly and without invitation, dredging up past feelings and dragging the past into the present. But the Grief Monster doesn't have to be a rude guest that overstays its welcome. Inviting it in (accepting it) and facing it with courage and compassion with your W through honest communication cuts short its visit, allowing you to get back to the present, everyday business of Loving A Widower.

Hanging In There

2009-03-18T17:45:00.002-04:00

Hello WOWs and GOWs!

Yesterday, I received bad news. One of my favourite GOWs from my message board announced that she is breaking up with her W (W = Widower). She said she could no longer "hang in there" through his early grief stages, feeling like she gives everything and receives nothing in return except disappointment, frustration, and sadness because her W can't seem to commit, even though he enjoys her company.

I totally support her decision. Some readers might think my support for her break-up is contrary to my life's purpose of helping women in their relationships with widowers. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sometimes, the best thing for a couple is to break up. I would never support a woman who felt she should stay in an abusive marriage "just for the children's sake". In this respect, neither would I advocate a GOW staying in a loveless relationship with a W simply out of respect for his grief.

Naturally, it is imperative that we GOWs and WOWs respect what our Ws have been through, and may still be going through, but a relationship is a give-and-take thing. When the woman is the one doing all the giving and the man all the taking, their relationship is one-sided. This imbalance can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment for the giver, and complacency and abuse of power for the taker. These negative qualities have no business in a loving relationship.

GOWs and WOWs tend to be VERY sympathetic, patient people with an extraordinary capacity for empathy. Because of this, they either put their own needs on the back burner to "wait upon" the W's grief needs, or they try to convince themselves that things will be better if only they hang in there and await some kind of payoff for their patience, thus enduring the W's shenanigans as any good martyr would. These are not healthy ways to have a relationship!

Sometimes the best thing a GOW can do is to take the "W" out of the equation. What I mean is simply that the GOW who receives nothing from her W should ask herself, "Would I still be with a man who WASN'T a widower if he treated me the way my W does?"

In most cases, the answer would be a resounding NO! So....why would anyone put up with bad behaviour from a W just because he's a W?!

Blessings...

~JDA

Welcome to my new blog!!

2009-03-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

Hi! Welcome to my new blog!

My name is Julie Donner Andersen, and I am the author of a book for wives and girlfriends of widowers, entitled "PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman's Journey as the Wife of a Widower" (sold at Amazon.com, through the publisher iUniverse.com, as well as via my website, http://www.juliedonnerandersen.com/). My website offers an interactive message board to subscribers who wish to communicate with other wives and girlfriends of widowers, as well as widowers who are ready to date again. All are welcome!!

You can also access some of my published articles that are not in my book by clicking to the following: http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen.

Feel free to subscribe to a feed for this blog so you won't miss an issue. I welcome any comments or questions you may want to leave via the "comments" hotlink at the end of each blog post. Your question may be answered/used in an upcoming blog post!

The purpose of this blog is simple: As a wife of a widower myself, I want to empower other WOWs (Wives Of Widowers) and GOWs (Girlfriends Of Widowers) by offering comfort, support, encouragement, and validation of your feelings and issues. As well, I want to offer WOWs and GOWs advice and a "game plan" to survive the tough times.

It's not easy "Loving A Widower", but the payoff is great!

Blessings...

~JDA